Constructive Deconstruction

++31st March++

Dear Diary,
Phew! At last I managed to catch "A Beautiful Mind" with Shaz. Almost couldn’t catch it…You know, just before I left, my father started to fix a shoerack that he just bought. I really wanted to help him(even asked him about it in the morning) but I already arranged to meet shaz at 3pm at Choa Chu Kang…I was already running late because it was 2.50pm. I felt bad enough that he said, "I don’t need you"…but my mother just had to give me that yeah-yeah-you-just-wanna-go-out-with-your-friend look. Do you know how it feels to just be accused of something like that? Its like they say it enough in the past already! What they never tried to understand is that I always have the family in mind…

I think "A Beautiful Mind" was indeed a beautiful show worthy of the 4 awards that they received. I was especially touched by how his wife decided to stick with him despite his illness. Later in the show when he had to ignore his ‘friends’ also struck me as something worth admiration because it must be difficult to forget what you’ve always thought was real for a big part of your life… In fact, I actually tried to read up on the guy(that’s the real guy to the right) and found out that there are some stuff that’s omitted from the show(I guess that’s expected…hollywood). Anyhow, i’ve littered today’s entry with some of the pictures…

You know, two nights ago something weird happened(no, no its not something dirty…haha). I had a dream. Frankly, I can’t remember what happened or what I saw or who I saw. But when I woke up in the morning to go for the physics test…Something kept ringing in my head, "Cat’s attached". I felt horrible. It was like deja vu. It was like it bugged me all through my shower. It was only after that that I finally calmed myself. I’m hoping its just an ‘ignorable’ feeling. But I guess, a part of me hasn’t dismissed that possibility. Besides, its happened to me before…who know’s what life has in store for me. I was flipping through the Council pictures and I found one of cat and malie…then a few weeks back malie and her went for the nygh choir concert together…somehow, that’s been bugging me for a long time now. Its like, i’m kinda expecting someone to someday tell me, "Hey, do you know that they’re attached?" Argh. But if I know her, she’s not supposed to favour guys like him. Let’s hope their relationship is the usual kor-and-mei kind. yeah…let’s hope. Sometimes, I wished I could just tell her…and then I imagine her just saying that its a mutual thing…wish.

This weekend has been the best weekend I’ve had at home. I’ve finally managed to spend time with friends, and family(although their are still disappointments). Well, let me see, what’s the next few hurdles coming up. Oh! Damn, I still have to show them my result statement. Now, that’s going to be a problem…although I topped the class in GP, I bottomed in the remaining subjects. Gee, I think I’ll tell them tomorrow. I really feel horrible that I have to show them such results each time I pass them my results statement. But then, I guess, now, i’m more resolute than ever. The next one…I think i’ll average Cs…and by June…As. How does that sound to you? Good? Of course!

Hmm…the coming week…Elections, Chem Test, Tutorials, Meetings, Interviews. I think I’ll manage them quite well this week…Wish me luck diary!

~Good night! Its been a good month…~

Yours,
Ridzuan
11.51pm

:::Life:::

:::Life:::

Dear Diary,
I got home about 3 hours ago…from Daiso(some new shop at IMM selling everything at $2!!). Soon, i’ll be going for supper at KFC Kallang. Its been a looong time since I went there with my family. I guess tonight is one of those meaningful nights…

Guess what else is up?! I’m planning to watch “A Beautiful Mind” with Shazlee later today…specifically, its the 11.15am show at Lido…Cant wait for it.

Things to do before I sleep:-
1) Complete Elections Notice
2) Study ThermoChemistry
3) Complete Elections Proposal

Maybe I shoul delay the proposal and the study to later because if I do complete them all, i think i’ll end up sleeping in the theater when I watch the show…

Till I write again…

Yours,
Ridzuan
12.23am

The skies seem blue again…

Dear Diary,
Today I went for my Physics Test…Well…’F’ again. But that isn’t my concern anymore…Its like, yesterday, I finally got the resolve to do well in my studies. So, from now, I’ll start posting my targets for my academic areas and start to achieve them. Next test…

Subject : Chemistry
Topics : Thermochemistry & Electrochemistry
Target Grade : C

Anyway, after the test, I went on a movie marathon(kinda) I watched “Resident Evil” and “The Time Machine”. I think RE was kinda ok except that the plots begin to twist and the logic suddenly got screwed towards the end. The Time Machine? It was quite philosophical but it lacked the action to keep me entertained. Somewhere in the middle, I actually fell asleep!! It was great to finally watch movies with GuanHong, Anand, Siang Chin and Caine…

Something’s bothering me though…I think it has something to do with how Catharine responded to me today…But, i’m going out to IMM now with my parents…so i’ll log again later…

~Tata~

Yours,
Ridzuan
7.12pm

Snappin Back to Reality

~Haven’t logged for a few days now…SO many things have happened!~

Dear Diary,
Finally Orientation is over! I must say that this is the best Orientation 2 that AJC has had since…its formation! A big hand goes out to the Orientation 2 ad hoc! I’ll probably post up a few more pictures

Something happened on the last day of the Orientation…A guy injured his back while he was running around at the track’s spectator Stand. He fell back first and whacked his back against the step. Poor fella…

I guess what happened next was what put the councillors to the test…The moment the ambulance came, and the guy transported to the hospital, the psychological effects of the entire incident settled in on everyone. Jolene felt really bad because not only was she the Element Master for Humus(the group that was very much involved in the flag snatching game), she was also the First-Aider for the entire Orientation. And for her to have been unable to stop Colin and Joseph from getting out of hand. She was also unable to render aid to the guy. Frankly, there’s nothing she could have done. As much as she was the medic, there’s only so much that she’s trained to do. All else would be up to the specialists…

The post-incident effects were great(in a bad way). I remember the scene when I first walked into the Council Room after the incident was cleared…I saw Shupei with her head down on the table. I was quite sure she was crying. Sayanee had teary eyes. Jolene was no where in sight. A few other people were down…I have never seen so many people(in council) down before. Almost everywhere I went, tears. Shortly after that, a short meeting was called for all the councillors at LT1. It must have been quite obvious that a ‘situation’ was taking place because all of a sudden, everyone could see ‘people in black’(councillors) just streaming in together towards LT1. What took place there was undescribable. The teachers tried to comfort us by saying that the incident is something that wasn’t our fault. It was something that was not within our control. They said that Roystan(the casualty) was now in good hands. They said that Mr Lim Kok Wee said that it wasn’t very serious. They said that we still have to show the JC1s a great Orientation. We had to be strong. In a sense, we all knew that already. But emotionally, it was a whole different game. Just when I thought it had ended, Havard went up to the mike and apologised. He said that he was sorry for what had happened. He said that he was the one that incited the whole incident. But what struck me most was that he said, “I have disgraced the council.” Right there and then Chunyong shouted “No” and walked up to Havard to pull him away from the mike. By this time, more people were crying. Cat looked down and her eyes wet(short of teary). I had to say something as the president. My team was down. They were demoralised for something that was completely out of their control. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t there when it took place. So I reflected. Instead, Trung went up to the mike and took charge. He said more or less the things I think he should have said…

That day…I saw my team go down.

Yours,
Ridzuan
1.44pm

Orientation 2 pics

Screwed Up Man!

Dear Diary,
Its like 2.30pm and its like another 2.5hours to my maths test…I think i’m bagging an F…again.

The council is like damn screwed up man. Its like, everyone’s not playing their part, and some people should just try to be a but more understanding(maybe tolerant is a better word). I’ve like taken on the role of a ‘dark’ i/c doing things that I think should be done. I hate this job…but someone’s gotta do it I guess…

Better go now…Talk to ya later!

Yours,
Ridzy
2.38pm

!!!Orientation 2!!!

Dear Diary,
Orientation 2 is here! I forgot to wash my black T-shirt! But, i’m gonna wear it anyway…

Wish me luck! I’ll keep you posted!

Yours,
Ridzy
5.29am

The speech that never spoke…

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Here’s a speech that I wanted to make to the councillors…never said it in the end…
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Today is not a good day. In fact, the past week has been a very harsh one on many of us. The changes that have surfaced has indeed inflicted much strain on us all both emotionally and psychologically.

Quite recently, a very good friend of mine gave me a card. In it he wrote, “I suppose no one could understand a captain’s true weight of responsibility more than when the ship meets a storm.” I’d like to thank that friend for his words which have been meaningful, especially today. While we’re on the topic of the ‘captain’, I’d like to highlight a quote I read on the Net. Sadly, I can neither remember the exact words nor the name of the person who said it. It goes something like, “Any sailor can hold the helm of a ship in the calm sea. But it is he who steers it through a storm that is worthy of being called The Captain.”

I am a captain of a ship. However, I’m afraid I never got the chance to prove my worth. I never sailed though a drizzle, let alone a storm. My crew had appointed me for a reason the felt was right…at that time. But today, we are in a storm. One so relentless and incomprehensible. One with so many angles that even I have yet to comprehend it.

I remember clearly when my crew and I first boarded this ship. We were all full of gusto. We talked about how we would sail this ship together. Sail faster than any crew. Go further than any ship. If in the past they sailed a hundred miles, we would sail for a thousand. Often we talked about the day when we would get to an island where there would a thousand beautiful women and a thousand hunky men. An island where there would much fruits and flowers. Birds and the bees. We were going to chart the uncharted…

And for months my crew slogged aboard this ship. Many at times, they cried both in happiness and in frustration. With each crash of the wave, they were determined to go further. Their strength amazed many. Their determination, simply not describable. The waves hit us hard. The wind, against us. They fought the elements hard giving up their time, their friends, their family…and some, god forbid, their future…all in the name of “Our dream”. Amidst the battle between us and the elements, one member of my crew was lost and all that I could do was watch. That has been my greatest loss ever. But I remind myself, this is the best crew any captain could want. This is the crew that has the vision, the purpose, the skills, the desire to succeed. Most importantly, this is the crew that is willing to give their hearts and their souls towards the attainment of that success.

But time passed and now my crew is tired. They want to fight no more. The elements are getting stronger. The rough sea is restricting our movement. The scorching sun is…killing them. Looking to the horizon, they no longer see the island they had been longing for. They are losing their drive. They are tired. They have begun to question themselves. Why are we giving our hearts? Our souls? What for? Why do we continue trying to move forward when the waves push us back each time we try? Today my ship is in a storm. Today my crew is tired.

I am the captain of that ship and I took an oath to serve. To serve with everything I have, and ask for absolutely nothing in return. To serve in itself is an honour. And right here, I swear that for the whatever journey that we may have left, I will continue to fight till I am replaced or relieved of my duties. I will brave the storms. I will challenge the winds. Let the world push me back. I may end up no where, but let me try to move forward. Let me fall. Let me get back up. Give me my moments of joy and give me my sorrows. The captain too is tired. But I will not give up. Not now. Not after journeying so far for so long. I will not let the sacrifices that my crew has made be in vain. The lost friends, the lost families, the lost soul mates. Let these sacrifices be for a honourable cause. I may never reach that beautiful island that my crew always dreams about but let me take this ship closer to it.

And now I appeal to my crew to join me. To continue to give all that we have to achieve our lost dream. To search within ourselves why we chose to board this ship knowing that it could bring us nowhere. Let us stick together as we once did and challenge the elements once more. Where we succeed, let us rejoice. Where we do not, let us stand in unison. I offer you not a calm sea because that I cannot offer you. I offer you instead a sea that is cold, cruel, harsh, unforgiving. We have been sailing though this sea for so long.
Let us persevere.
Let us show the next crew for this ship was built only for a crew that is willing to give.
Let us remember our oath.
Let us look back at ourselves 10 years from now and tell ourselves that we dared to fail trying to chart the unchartered.

Remember, Council is our ship. I am the Captain. But we are her crew……

Cheated

Dear Diary,
I just managed to get my brother off my computer…You know, he was using the cable modem while now, i’m stuck with the dialup connection…

Its like so unfair! I was promise for a freakin long time(since Primary school…that’s like 6 years ago) that i’ll get the cable modem. That was reinforced when we moved here like 2 years ago. Then all of a sudden, my father decides not to give me cable, shrink my internet account and for some freaking reason, my brothers get everything. What the hell?! I feel so damn cheated. Its like, he says, "If you need it, you can always bring it to your room" but the truth is, I NEVER get to use it. Then, when I exceed my monthly limit, he get’s kinda pissed! F***!

I can’t wait to get NS done and over with, that way, i’ll get all the freedom I want! I’ll sign up for any plan I want, and bar my brothers from ever interfering with my life.

Then again, maybe i’m just emotional now. Damn.

You know something, tomorrow is the start of Orientation 2 and I’m not really sure what my role for tomorrow is…All i know is that i’ll be doing guard duty from 8.30am-9.30am. Other than that…hmm? games? I guess i might enjoy this orientation because i’ll have the luxury of spending my time with my Orientation Group(which is in contrast to my role for O1). Geez, but when I think about tomorrow…All I see is…
"Hand up Chem File, Hand up Chem tutorial, Study Maths, Prepare for Physics Test…"

AAaaahHhHHhhh!!!!

I barely slept last night…and I think i’ll be staying up again tonight to prepare for tomorrow’s test and all…I hope I don’t die of exhaustion or something. Oh, did I tell you that i’ll be going to the Opening of the Parliamentary Session at 2030hrs tomorrow? I don’t know why I agreed to go in the first place(maybe because its a rare opportunity) but I hope it doesn’t last too long. I’m already going to have to wake up by 0430hrs tomorrow…and if I don’t sleep for 3 days in a row…I think I’ll collapse by Wednesday!

Heh, I’m addicted to the song that shaz sent me yesterday, "Escape" by Enrique Iglesias and also "Everything I do" by Bryan Adams. I think they’re great songs…I remember hearing it when I was watching Robin Hood(I think the title was something else). Its so…8)

I was thinking about what cat said yesterday, "…… you know sumtimes it’s kinda …. ________ that pple think they are not worth other pple’s time.. esp those they consider frenz (of coz i’m working on the assumption here that you think i’m a fren)"
….I wonder if she really considers me a friend? She said I’m both a friend and a councillor!

Oh well, I haven’t studied for my maths yet…I think I should start soon…or else i’ll bag another F…..argh! I’m beginning to feel sick of failing….I need something new

Till later Diary…tata!

Yours,
Ridzy
8.29pm

A THOUSAND MARBLES

A THOUSAND MARBLES

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it’s the
quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the
unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few
hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, what began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one
of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me
tell you about it.

I turned the volume up on my radio, and I heard an older sounding chap
with a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in
the broadcasting business himself. He was talking about "a thousand
marbles" to someone named “Tom”.

I was intrigued and sat down to listen to what he had to say. "Well, Tom,
it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well
but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much.
Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours
a week to make ends meet."

"Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good
perspective on my own priorities. "And that’s when he began to explain
his theory of “a thousand marbles”.

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average
person lives about 75 years. I know, some live more and some live less
but on average, folks live about 75 years."

"Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900 which is the
number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime."

"It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in
any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over
twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be
75, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy."

"So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended
up with 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large clear
plastic container next to the radio. Every Saturday since then, I have
taken one marble out and thrown it away."

"I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the
really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time
here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my
lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble
out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday then I
have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a
little more time."

"It was nice to talk to you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your
loved ones, and I hope to meet you again someday. Have a good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop when he finished. Even the show’s
moderator didn’t have anything to say for a few moments. I guess he gave
us all a lot to think about. I had planned to do some work that morning,
then go to the gym. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a
kiss. “C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast.”

“What brought this on?” she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing special,
it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the
kids. Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy
some marbles."