Constructive Deconstruction

The speech that never spoke…

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Here’s a speech that I wanted to make to the councillors…never said it in the end…
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Today is not a good day. In fact, the past week has been a very harsh one on many of us. The changes that have surfaced has indeed inflicted much strain on us all both emotionally and psychologically.

Quite recently, a very good friend of mine gave me a card. In it he wrote, “I suppose no one could understand a captain’s true weight of responsibility more than when the ship meets a storm.” I’d like to thank that friend for his words which have been meaningful, especially today. While we’re on the topic of the ‘captain’, I’d like to highlight a quote I read on the Net. Sadly, I can neither remember the exact words nor the name of the person who said it. It goes something like, “Any sailor can hold the helm of a ship in the calm sea. But it is he who steers it through a storm that is worthy of being called The Captain.”

I am a captain of a ship. However, I’m afraid I never got the chance to prove my worth. I never sailed though a drizzle, let alone a storm. My crew had appointed me for a reason the felt was right…at that time. But today, we are in a storm. One so relentless and incomprehensible. One with so many angles that even I have yet to comprehend it.

I remember clearly when my crew and I first boarded this ship. We were all full of gusto. We talked about how we would sail this ship together. Sail faster than any crew. Go further than any ship. If in the past they sailed a hundred miles, we would sail for a thousand. Often we talked about the day when we would get to an island where there would a thousand beautiful women and a thousand hunky men. An island where there would much fruits and flowers. Birds and the bees. We were going to chart the uncharted…

And for months my crew slogged aboard this ship. Many at times, they cried both in happiness and in frustration. With each crash of the wave, they were determined to go further. Their strength amazed many. Their determination, simply not describable. The waves hit us hard. The wind, against us. They fought the elements hard giving up their time, their friends, their family…and some, god forbid, their future…all in the name of “Our dream”. Amidst the battle between us and the elements, one member of my crew was lost and all that I could do was watch. That has been my greatest loss ever. But I remind myself, this is the best crew any captain could want. This is the crew that has the vision, the purpose, the skills, the desire to succeed. Most importantly, this is the crew that is willing to give their hearts and their souls towards the attainment of that success.

But time passed and now my crew is tired. They want to fight no more. The elements are getting stronger. The rough sea is restricting our movement. The scorching sun is…killing them. Looking to the horizon, they no longer see the island they had been longing for. They are losing their drive. They are tired. They have begun to question themselves. Why are we giving our hearts? Our souls? What for? Why do we continue trying to move forward when the waves push us back each time we try? Today my ship is in a storm. Today my crew is tired.

I am the captain of that ship and I took an oath to serve. To serve with everything I have, and ask for absolutely nothing in return. To serve in itself is an honour. And right here, I swear that for the whatever journey that we may have left, I will continue to fight till I am replaced or relieved of my duties. I will brave the storms. I will challenge the winds. Let the world push me back. I may end up no where, but let me try to move forward. Let me fall. Let me get back up. Give me my moments of joy and give me my sorrows. The captain too is tired. But I will not give up. Not now. Not after journeying so far for so long. I will not let the sacrifices that my crew has made be in vain. The lost friends, the lost families, the lost soul mates. Let these sacrifices be for a honourable cause. I may never reach that beautiful island that my crew always dreams about but let me take this ship closer to it.

And now I appeal to my crew to join me. To continue to give all that we have to achieve our lost dream. To search within ourselves why we chose to board this ship knowing that it could bring us nowhere. Let us stick together as we once did and challenge the elements once more. Where we succeed, let us rejoice. Where we do not, let us stand in unison. I offer you not a calm sea because that I cannot offer you. I offer you instead a sea that is cold, cruel, harsh, unforgiving. We have been sailing though this sea for so long.
Let us persevere.
Let us show the next crew for this ship was built only for a crew that is willing to give.
Let us remember our oath.
Let us look back at ourselves 10 years from now and tell ourselves that we dared to fail trying to chart the unchartered.

Remember, Council is our ship. I am the Captain. But we are her crew……

Cheated

Dear Diary,
I just managed to get my brother off my computer…You know, he was using the cable modem while now, i’m stuck with the dialup connection…

Its like so unfair! I was promise for a freakin long time(since Primary school…that’s like 6 years ago) that i’ll get the cable modem. That was reinforced when we moved here like 2 years ago. Then all of a sudden, my father decides not to give me cable, shrink my internet account and for some freaking reason, my brothers get everything. What the hell?! I feel so damn cheated. Its like, he says, "If you need it, you can always bring it to your room" but the truth is, I NEVER get to use it. Then, when I exceed my monthly limit, he get’s kinda pissed! F***!

I can’t wait to get NS done and over with, that way, i’ll get all the freedom I want! I’ll sign up for any plan I want, and bar my brothers from ever interfering with my life.

Then again, maybe i’m just emotional now. Damn.

You know something, tomorrow is the start of Orientation 2 and I’m not really sure what my role for tomorrow is…All i know is that i’ll be doing guard duty from 8.30am-9.30am. Other than that…hmm? games? I guess i might enjoy this orientation because i’ll have the luxury of spending my time with my Orientation Group(which is in contrast to my role for O1). Geez, but when I think about tomorrow…All I see is…
"Hand up Chem File, Hand up Chem tutorial, Study Maths, Prepare for Physics Test…"

AAaaahHhHHhhh!!!!

I barely slept last night…and I think i’ll be staying up again tonight to prepare for tomorrow’s test and all…I hope I don’t die of exhaustion or something. Oh, did I tell you that i’ll be going to the Opening of the Parliamentary Session at 2030hrs tomorrow? I don’t know why I agreed to go in the first place(maybe because its a rare opportunity) but I hope it doesn’t last too long. I’m already going to have to wake up by 0430hrs tomorrow…and if I don’t sleep for 3 days in a row…I think I’ll collapse by Wednesday!

Heh, I’m addicted to the song that shaz sent me yesterday, "Escape" by Enrique Iglesias and also "Everything I do" by Bryan Adams. I think they’re great songs…I remember hearing it when I was watching Robin Hood(I think the title was something else). Its so…8)

I was thinking about what cat said yesterday, "…… you know sumtimes it’s kinda …. ________ that pple think they are not worth other pple’s time.. esp those they consider frenz (of coz i’m working on the assumption here that you think i’m a fren)"
….I wonder if she really considers me a friend? She said I’m both a friend and a councillor!

Oh well, I haven’t studied for my maths yet…I think I should start soon…or else i’ll bag another F…..argh! I’m beginning to feel sick of failing….I need something new

Till later Diary…tata!

Yours,
Ridzy
8.29pm

A THOUSAND MARBLES

A THOUSAND MARBLES

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it’s the
quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the
unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few
hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, what began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one
of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me
tell you about it.

I turned the volume up on my radio, and I heard an older sounding chap
with a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in
the broadcasting business himself. He was talking about "a thousand
marbles" to someone named “Tom”.

I was intrigued and sat down to listen to what he had to say. "Well, Tom,
it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well
but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much.
Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours
a week to make ends meet."

"Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good
perspective on my own priorities. "And that’s when he began to explain
his theory of “a thousand marbles”.

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average
person lives about 75 years. I know, some live more and some live less
but on average, folks live about 75 years."

"Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900 which is the
number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime."

"It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in
any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over
twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be
75, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy."

"So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended
up with 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large clear
plastic container next to the radio. Every Saturday since then, I have
taken one marble out and thrown it away."

"I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the
really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time
here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my
lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble
out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday then I
have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a
little more time."

"It was nice to talk to you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your
loved ones, and I hope to meet you again someday. Have a good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop when he finished. Even the show’s
moderator didn’t have anything to say for a few moments. I guess he gave
us all a lot to think about. I had planned to do some work that morning,
then go to the gym. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a
kiss. “C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast.”

“What brought this on?” she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing special,
it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the
kids. Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy
some marbles."

Everything I Do (I Do It For You) - Bryan Adams

Everything I Do (I Do It For You) - Bryan Adams

Look into my eyes
You will see, what you mean to me
Search your heart , search your soul
And when you find me there, you’ll search no more

Don’t tell me it’s not worth trying for
You can’t tell me it’s not worth dying for
You know it’s true, everything I do, I do it for you

Look into your heart , you will find
There’s nothing there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don’t tell me it’s not worth fighting for
I can’t help it, there’s nothing I want more
You know it’s true, everything I do, I do it for you

There’s no love, like your love
And no other, could give more love
There’s nowhere, unless you’re there
All the time, all the way

Look your heart, babe

Oh, you can’t tell me it’s not worth trying for
I can’t help it, there’s nothing I want more
Yea, I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you
Walk the wild for you, yeah I’d die for you

Ya know it’s true
Everything I do
ooooh
I do it for you

Argh!

Dear Diary,
I just woke up to realise that my 8mb upload didn’t work out! Argh! and I need to pass it to Huiying by…like 10am? Damn. Just canceled the movie outing because I’m too tired plus maybe the subconscious thought that I shouldn’t be going out…

Well, wish my upload luck…argh!

Yours,
Ridzy
9.02am

???

Dear Diary,
I just got off the phone with shaz and off icq with cat. Fwah! That was an immense task…heh, its been a long time since I chatted with shaz till this late at night…and well, i’ll have to give him a wake up call at 9am to remind him to…WAKE UP!!! coz the show is at 10am. I wonder if “A Beautiful Mind” is a show…waddya think?

Anyway, I was chatting with cat and for some reason I decided to tell her, “You can’t give up on council because the implications are great.” I knew perfectly well that she’d ask why. But I asked her. Its as if I want her to know. I do. I want her to know that if she gives up on council, then i’d have nothing left in council. I’ve abandoned my dream. I don’t have the people. I’m fatigued. All I look towards in council is her. And if she’s gone. I’ll disappear too. She’ll run to her friends. And me? I don’t know where I’ll go.

Then she bugs(wrong word) me to tell her why there would be great implications. For some reason, I wanted to just tell her that, “Its because I love you and if you’re not there, my heart would ache so badly that I wouldn’t want to take another breath”. But no. I told her, I don’t have the guts…I’ll tell you on investiture day. And so I will. You’ll be my witness diary…On the 12th July this year(if there’s no change in the date), i’m going to give her an audio disk with a message and a few meaningful songs all in a bag of coffee beans(that’s how i got to know her). And then i’ll wait to see what happens. If she runs away, my life would be miserable. I’d have no choice but to find solice in myself. I’d still love her though. And if she stands there and gives me a chance, then I swear that i’ll give her the world…plus that little glass house that she’d love…

Gawd! Its 5.02am, i’d better get some sleep. Goodnight Diary. Goodnight peepz!

Yours,
Ridzy
5.02am

Escape - Enrique Iglesias

~Thanks for the song shaz ~

Escape - Enrique Iglesias

Can’t escape my love
Here’s how it goes
You and me
Up and down but maybe this time
We’ll get it right
Worth the fight
‘Cause love is something you can’t shake
When it breaks
All it takes is some trying

Chorus:
If you feel like leaving
IM not gonna beg you to stay
Soon you’ll be finding
You can run you can hide but you can’t escape my love.

So if you go
You should know
It’s hard to just forget the past
So fast
It was good
It was bad but it was real and that’s
All you have
In the end our love mattered

Chorus:
If you feel like leaving
IM not gonna beg you to stay
Soon you’ll be finding
You can run you can hide but you can’t escape my love.

Here’s how it goes
All it takes is some trying

Chorus repeated.

Feelings = Hormones?

Dear Diary,
You know what? Why do we feel? Is it just hormones running through your blood? Or is it something deeper? I was like super-duper happy when I thought I got her to study with me…but then, I just got an SMS saying that she can’t make it anymore…

In seconds…my feeling changed….why so fast? Maybe its just the mood and not the feeling….I don’t know

I wish I did.

Yours,
Ridzy
1.55am