Constructive Deconstruction

Shitty day

Dear Diary,
Today was a completely crappy day except for the fact that I managed to a big chunk of my storybook(The Lieutenants). Other than that, I guess I just procrastinated once again and ended up not studying…Well, i�ll be going to Changi tomorrow for some camping thing with my family so i hope it�ll be fun…

Anyway, why do I have a bad feeling that either cat knows something I don�t or that she�s pissed beyond her normal piss levels or something…I just have a bad feeling…I have a big feeling i�m going to slip into depression because of this…

This isn�t good…
Good night Diary…

Yours,
Ridzy
2.59am

P.S. If Cat could see this, "I�ve missed you"

This Fate That Is Mine

“Welcome…!”, the mindless voice announced.
“Your own personal hell awaits you. You will find it’s design to your own displeasure. Yet Sir, it is a world of your own creation. A world paved with your most intimate desires, a place like no other… Pain & Deceit abound in all its beauty. Yet you shall rise and revel in all its offerings.
To you Sir, the ultimate punishment… For in spite of all the obvious truths before you, you have chosen to love another.
This love, in spite of all it’s true promises, shall remain unreturned, as it is also your choosing to be blind to it’s realities, and this reality shall remain concealed. The ever-consuming fear of rejection shall continue to overwhelm you, and thus Sir; we have no alternative but to make our offering to you this….
You are hereby sentenced to a life of loneliness and heartbreak, a love unreturned. This punishment shall consume and devour you for the remainder of your stay…. Torment your only reward.
This judgement is passed here before you, in the presence of all the lost moments you consciously chose to discard. It saddens this jury to see the goodness installed in you consumed in self-inflicted bitterness and pain, yet it is agreed by all present that your blatant arrogance toward something so sacred shall not remain justified. Herewith Sir, you can consider your fate as final…”
–Michael Archibald

She’s back…and…

Dear Diary,
Like the title for today’s entry suggests, yupz, she’s back from her trip and well, so is shaz(man, he got him past midnight). Spent some time chatting with her online. Was dying to hear her voice but hey…dream on…

Anyway, I think I might have really screwed up her day. I told her to go visit the www.remakingsingapore.gov.sg website and then she went on to say how there was this one discussion that was full of male chauvanistic remarks. So, me being me, went to take a peek at the discussion and what appeared was well mixture of rantings and fact and allegations. Well again, me being me, decided to try to push the neutral its-what-a-forum-is-for standpoint to her. And I failed. I guess, i became too persistent at the end…I was like kind of agitated with how she acts on impulse. Its like, I�ve seen her act so many times based on impulse and sometimes, she says things that are completely contradicting to what she says to me. Sometimes, I don�t know how to feel. I guess, many times, I just feel irritated that she doesn�t seem to always do what she preaches…And she was saying something about wanting to reply to the discussion with something that was completely defensive…and although it had no facts to present, she was like, �I dun care�(although she din post it in the end)… I really don’t know, ya know, i feel like saying, "Dammit! C’mon listen to me! I care too much about you to be able to see you being seen as a irrational person who rants on viewpoints that may actually be valid." Of course, I always feel like saying things to her…but I don’t. Its like doesnt she see that if she gets hurt in any way, she’s not the only one whose gonna have side effects? Dumb question. Of course she doesn’t…You never told her anything ridzuan. I think I�ll post an interesting piece dedicated to myself after I post this entry…

Now, I feel horrible…..
I think i’m not going to sleep tonight….
But you know something…its really nice to know she’s back…

Yours,
Ridzy
3.50am

12.45am

Dear Diary,
Here I am once again. I just got off the phone with Shaz…You know I realised that my life really revolves around a few people…Because I have so few friends…With Catharine out of Singapore and Shaz going away for his poly orientation camp I wondering who else I can really just seek solace in…Geez Sad life.

You know something, I had a another dream of Cat yesterday night…I can�t remember what it was but I woke in the morning hugging my pillow and somehow, the feeling just became a dream. It wasn�t sexual or anything but its one of �closeness� things you know? Man, I highlighted a certain part of the book that Q gave me about The Four Loves and it was really meaningful that there was one part of it that mentioned that Eros(Romantic Love) is one that is not so much about sex its more about gift-love and need-love. I think thats how i love her. I care for her. I want to give so much for her. Yet there�s really nothing I lose if I don�t give it to her. The irony is that I want to give. I want her. I need her. Odd. I wonder if I should take psychology so that I can understand it…or maybe its best if I should just love her with whatever my heart has…

Oh well, I realise I keep ranting on about her in all my entries so let�s try something else tonight shall we? Let me tell about the best times I�ve had during my June Vacation(now that its coming to an end)…

My birthday.I celebrated it at the East Coast Chalet. Marked it with a BBQ with my closest friends: Cat, Q, Shaz, Ivan, Min’an, Keng Rui, Anand. I invited a few more but they fell sick and stuff so in the end it was just the 8 of us. It was really nice to be able to just spend time with your close friends you know. I think the nicest part of it was when I took a walk down the beach with Cat(while everyone else was like 7metres behind…dunno why they did that). Its one of those moments that bring me close yet cast that eternal space that I want to bridge…Geez, but before I go about lamenting about my feelings again…Let�s go on…I think what struck me hardest was when my dad said to me, after they all left, �I�m happy for you. You have good friends.� I felt…i don�t know how to describe how I felt…

What else happened during my hols? Well, I watched 2 movies with Cat. Heh, I don�t know how to feel anymore. Its like, it seems like we�re getting closer yet like as said earlier, the closer we get, the farther i feel. Its when you put poisoned food in front of a starving man. Its food. But its poisoned so he cant touch it. And then you bring it closer and closer to him…letting him smell the wonderful smell of the dish…you get what I mean don�t you? I�m lost. The closer she gets, the more I love her. The more I care, the more I�m willing to do anything for her…and the more it hurts…

Well, other than that, the next biggest thing that�s happened is my trip to Malacca. I think I�ll save that for tomorrow. Probably tell you about Excalibur too(Yes…believe it or not…i�ve formed it…kind of at least)…

Bye Bye Diary.
Good Night

Yours,
Ridzy
1.28am

I’m bored…

Dear Diary,
Here I am once again…I�m super bored(the title states it all). Today I celebrated fathers day. I think this year I really screwed up both my fathers’ and mothers’ day celebrations. In both cases, I seriously put very little effort. I had intended to make pancakes but I forgot to buy the pancake mix until it was sort of too late. So what did I do? I make scrambled eggs…Geez. Oh well, in any case, what happened for the day was quite simple I guess…After we had breakfast, i decided to lay on my bed. In theory, I only wanted to just slack…but…I fell asleep and woke up at around 3pm…and the next thing I know, I was to get ready for dinner cum lunch at Jelapang afterwhich we took a walk along the �pasar malam� nearby…That killed time till around 7 I guess…

What did I do after that? Well, I watched a bit of TV before going on to read my new book �Brotherhood of War: The Lieutenants�…Nice book so far…I really think i�ve got to buy the whole series. The problem is that I haven�t seen 2 of the 8 books. I hope they have it somewhere…

Oh well, writing to you kinda alleviates the boredom for the time being… I�ll write to you again later ok? Bye. Cya…

Yours,
Ridzy
11.40pm

Its been a long time…

Dear Diary,
Its been a long time since wrote to you…Well, I haven�t been writing to Tome either. The last I wrote to her, it was the 15th February and even then the entry wasn�t complete…How saddening that must be…

Anyway, I mighty lot has been happening in my life…I think the most major change in me is my attitude towards Council. Its really quite sad to see what I have become. What used to be a passionate love and undying patriotism towards it has now become a seemingly deep hatred that I cannot clearly define. When I spend countless nights thinking of what may be the root of it, I end up with vague reasons, events and excuses for what I feel today…Its odd. But really, its more sad than odd.

There was a period when I actually just thought about my �hatred�(it was that one night when Cat tried to talk me out of my depression…she failed thus the result…) and when i really think about it I really think its a great big feeling of betrayal and self-failure. Have you ever given so much to something and after giving up that �so much� you realise that you�ve achieved nothing at all? What makes it worse is that along the way, you�ve given up all of your own plans so technically, the failure isn�t even yours! Damn. You know something diary…When I came into council, there were so many things that I wanted to do but you know what…I killed them all. First it was the funfair adhoc. They just formed it. Then they barred me from it. Then they barred my exco from it(until Ms Siau enforced the exco attached to it) I still remember Colin saying something about the exco not having earned the right to be part of the Funfair adhoc. fuck him. But guess what I did…I bowed down to him. I tried to reason. I played politics. I sent Jasmine in to be the exco attached knowing damn well that she was �toyable� to Colin. I lost. Soon I lost jasmine to them. And that was only one example. I feel like a puppet who merely chairs meetings. What have I done diary? Tell ME! Please! It�s driving me crazy…I hate feeling depressed and angry at the same time! Good news is we�re stepping down on the 12th July…Can�t wait for that day to come…

Geez, enough of council. Cat. How is she? Fine I guess…How am I? Pathetically in love with her…urgh. You know. I don�t how it happens but i�ve spent almost an equal number(if not more) of nights…thats not including the fact that haunts every moment of my life. I can never watch a TV show/movie w/o somehow relating it to me(us really) and how it could actually be…You know something else diary…I�m beginning to cry each time i think of her. I don�t know what wrong with me. I think she knows about it. But somehow…i got this gut feeling that once i tell her…*poof* she�ll disappear. Ya know she said it once before that she�ll never walk out on me…but somehow I can�t seem to believe that. Its like, everyone says that…but i don�t know anyone who�s kept that promise…I hope she does coz someday, she�s either going to stumble upon you or find out officially or i�m going to bare it all to her and when that happens…I hope if she has to push me away, she�ll just do it momentarily and not for eternity…I�m crushed already when i�m in my own thoughts. Somehow, I�m getting this feeling that its wrong to fall in love with her. She�s so �nice�(i cant really think of a word…a poem would describe her better) and i�m like her friend(i hope i am) that it feels so wrong to love her. Its like everything in me is saying �Don�t Ridzuan. She probably wants you to be her friend. A close friend even. But cross that line you pathetic creature and you would�ve betrayed that trust placed upon you…� But my heart says, �You love her. You�ve been loving her with everything you�ve got. You�ve been fighting with yourself for so long. You�ve challenged your own definitions of love and you�ve won. You know you love her her. You love her.� I think that�s why i cry…Its hard to deny your own feelings…its harder still to finally accept them and not know what to do because of fear…

I guess its the fact that I lost Suriani and Jasmine by telling them how I felt…Maybe it was jsut something about me that painted a repulsive image that can�t be associated with love. I don�t know….

I want to write about my birthday and my holidays and my friends and the so many other things that have shaped my…but I think i�ll save that for tomorrow( or the next time i write )…

Thanks for still being here diary…good night…

Yours,
Ridzy

Happy Fathers Day!

…To papa…

"Happy Father’s Day"

16th June
The year’s 2002
I write this poem dad
I write it for you

For all the times you…
scolded me when i wronged
advised me when i fumbled
picked me up when i was downed

Thank you

You’ve worked real hard
well…We’ve worked you hard
You’ve done all you could
More than you anyone else ever should
but I know more…
You still have more in store…

You’re the best dad I can ever have…
and that this poem cannot say
for its worth simply cannot repay
your swear
your tears
your love

I love you
Happy Fathers Day!

–Ridzuan Ashim(1984-)

The Nearing of The End

…This was written for the councillors…

"The Nearing of The End"
As i look back upon the dusty tracks that we’ve made…

Reminded I am of the times when spirits were high;
When our guards were raised,
and our dreams could fly.
When we were to sail a thousand storms,
and in hand, all we had was a measly corm.

Touched I am by the times when we fell;
But fall we did like brothers in war…
Hand in hand, hands raised
I remember..Together we gave a cry
To sweat, to bleed, to die

Enraged I am by my errs;
My abandoned dreams
My failed attempts
My lost drive
I feel the cause of our plan’s demise

Cry I do when I look back,
What have I done?
Who have I failed?
Who have I wronged?
I’m sorry.

As I look and search for what lies ahead…

I see a wall to mark the end
A group of people with whom our lives will append
Past that wall I cannot see
Fear, uncertainty?
Lost.

And as I stand here searching the shallow abyss of my soul…

With every tick of the clock,
I feel our ship nearing the dock.
With every blink of the eye,
Its harder to hold my head high.
With every step I take
My heart beats faster, harder
Because now I stand at…

The nearing of the End.

To the people around me…

For every tear that flowed down your cheek,
For every sweat that trickled down your neck,
For every ounce of pain your heart endured,
For every ‘F’ or ‘O’ you put in your sack,

I give you
my tear
my sweat
my heart
Thank you Council…Thank you Councillors
–Ridzuan(1984–??) to the wonderful people around me…

An Eternal Space

En Eternal Space

Stars in the sky,
Painted on the sky canvas,
Twinkling in the corners of my eye,
In my dreams they relentless traverse.

My hand reaches out…
To touch
To feel
To share
Alas, my hand reaches nothing.

My star stands before me,
Yet I watch the space,
I listen to the silence,
I weep inside.

The distance between us.
Like two pieces on a chess board
…The two rooks.
Like two pages of a book
…The first and the last.

I stand by her, listening to her silence.
Between us stands a space,
As great as the Earth’s greatest oceans,
As huge as Mother Nature’s largest fields,
As endless as the beings on the fabric of time,
As bottomless as the fiery chasms of Nexus.

Transcending
time
distance
thought
and emotion

Between us stands a space.
An eternal space.

–Ridzuan Ashim(1984- )