Constructive Deconstruction

I’m bored…

Dear Diary,
Here I am once again…I�m super bored(the title states it all). Today I celebrated fathers day. I think this year I really screwed up both my fathers’ and mothers’ day celebrations. In both cases, I seriously put very little effort. I had intended to make pancakes but I forgot to buy the pancake mix until it was sort of too late. So what did I do? I make scrambled eggs…Geez. Oh well, in any case, what happened for the day was quite simple I guess…After we had breakfast, i decided to lay on my bed. In theory, I only wanted to just slack…but…I fell asleep and woke up at around 3pm…and the next thing I know, I was to get ready for dinner cum lunch at Jelapang afterwhich we took a walk along the �pasar malam� nearby…That killed time till around 7 I guess…

What did I do after that? Well, I watched a bit of TV before going on to read my new book �Brotherhood of War: The Lieutenants�…Nice book so far…I really think i�ve got to buy the whole series. The problem is that I haven�t seen 2 of the 8 books. I hope they have it somewhere…

Oh well, writing to you kinda alleviates the boredom for the time being… I�ll write to you again later ok? Bye. Cya…

Yours,
Ridzy
11.40pm

Its been a long time…

Dear Diary,
Its been a long time since wrote to you…Well, I haven�t been writing to Tome either. The last I wrote to her, it was the 15th February and even then the entry wasn�t complete…How saddening that must be…

Anyway, I mighty lot has been happening in my life…I think the most major change in me is my attitude towards Council. Its really quite sad to see what I have become. What used to be a passionate love and undying patriotism towards it has now become a seemingly deep hatred that I cannot clearly define. When I spend countless nights thinking of what may be the root of it, I end up with vague reasons, events and excuses for what I feel today…Its odd. But really, its more sad than odd.

There was a period when I actually just thought about my �hatred�(it was that one night when Cat tried to talk me out of my depression…she failed thus the result…) and when i really think about it I really think its a great big feeling of betrayal and self-failure. Have you ever given so much to something and after giving up that �so much� you realise that you�ve achieved nothing at all? What makes it worse is that along the way, you�ve given up all of your own plans so technically, the failure isn�t even yours! Damn. You know something diary…When I came into council, there were so many things that I wanted to do but you know what…I killed them all. First it was the funfair adhoc. They just formed it. Then they barred me from it. Then they barred my exco from it(until Ms Siau enforced the exco attached to it) I still remember Colin saying something about the exco not having earned the right to be part of the Funfair adhoc. fuck him. But guess what I did…I bowed down to him. I tried to reason. I played politics. I sent Jasmine in to be the exco attached knowing damn well that she was �toyable� to Colin. I lost. Soon I lost jasmine to them. And that was only one example. I feel like a puppet who merely chairs meetings. What have I done diary? Tell ME! Please! It�s driving me crazy…I hate feeling depressed and angry at the same time! Good news is we�re stepping down on the 12th July…Can�t wait for that day to come…

Geez, enough of council. Cat. How is she? Fine I guess…How am I? Pathetically in love with her…urgh. You know. I don�t how it happens but i�ve spent almost an equal number(if not more) of nights…thats not including the fact that haunts every moment of my life. I can never watch a TV show/movie w/o somehow relating it to me(us really) and how it could actually be…You know something else diary…I�m beginning to cry each time i think of her. I don�t know what wrong with me. I think she knows about it. But somehow…i got this gut feeling that once i tell her…*poof* she�ll disappear. Ya know she said it once before that she�ll never walk out on me…but somehow I can�t seem to believe that. Its like, everyone says that…but i don�t know anyone who�s kept that promise…I hope she does coz someday, she�s either going to stumble upon you or find out officially or i�m going to bare it all to her and when that happens…I hope if she has to push me away, she�ll just do it momentarily and not for eternity…I�m crushed already when i�m in my own thoughts. Somehow, I�m getting this feeling that its wrong to fall in love with her. She�s so �nice�(i cant really think of a word…a poem would describe her better) and i�m like her friend(i hope i am) that it feels so wrong to love her. Its like everything in me is saying �Don�t Ridzuan. She probably wants you to be her friend. A close friend even. But cross that line you pathetic creature and you would�ve betrayed that trust placed upon you…� But my heart says, �You love her. You�ve been loving her with everything you�ve got. You�ve been fighting with yourself for so long. You�ve challenged your own definitions of love and you�ve won. You know you love her her. You love her.� I think that�s why i cry…Its hard to deny your own feelings…its harder still to finally accept them and not know what to do because of fear…

I guess its the fact that I lost Suriani and Jasmine by telling them how I felt…Maybe it was jsut something about me that painted a repulsive image that can�t be associated with love. I don�t know….

I want to write about my birthday and my holidays and my friends and the so many other things that have shaped my…but I think i�ll save that for tomorrow( or the next time i write )…

Thanks for still being here diary…good night…

Yours,
Ridzy

Happy Fathers Day!

…To papa…

"Happy Father’s Day"

16th June
The year’s 2002
I write this poem dad
I write it for you

For all the times you…
scolded me when i wronged
advised me when i fumbled
picked me up when i was downed

Thank you

You’ve worked real hard
well…We’ve worked you hard
You’ve done all you could
More than you anyone else ever should
but I know more…
You still have more in store…

You’re the best dad I can ever have…
and that this poem cannot say
for its worth simply cannot repay
your swear
your tears
your love

I love you
Happy Fathers Day!

–Ridzuan Ashim(1984-)