Constructive Deconstruction

12.45am

June 17, 2002 on 1:28 am | In Random | No Comments

Dear Diary,
Here I am once again. I just got off the phone with Shaz…You know I realised that my life really revolves around a few people…Because I have so few friends…With Catharine out of Singapore and Shaz going away for his poly orientation camp I wondering who else I can really just seek solace in…Geez Sad life.

You know something, I had a another dream of Cat yesterday night…I can�t remember what it was but I woke in the morning hugging my pillow and somehow, the feeling just became a dream. It wasn�t sexual or anything but its one of �closeness� things you know? Man, I highlighted a certain part of the book that Q gave me about The Four Loves and it was really meaningful that there was one part of it that mentioned that Eros(Romantic Love) is one that is not so much about sex its more about gift-love and need-love. I think thats how i love her. I care for her. I want to give so much for her. Yet there�s really nothing I lose if I don�t give it to her. The irony is that I want to give. I want her. I need her. Odd. I wonder if I should take psychology so that I can understand it…or maybe its best if I should just love her with whatever my heart has…

Oh well, I realise I keep ranting on about her in all my entries so let�s try something else tonight shall we? Let me tell about the best times I�ve had during my June Vacation(now that its coming to an end)…

My birthday.I celebrated it at the East Coast Chalet. Marked it with a BBQ with my closest friends: Cat, Q, Shaz, Ivan, Min’an, Keng Rui, Anand. I invited a few more but they fell sick and stuff so in the end it was just the 8 of us. It was really nice to be able to just spend time with your close friends you know. I think the nicest part of it was when I took a walk down the beach with Cat(while everyone else was like 7metres behind…dunno why they did that). Its one of those moments that bring me close yet cast that eternal space that I want to bridge…Geez, but before I go about lamenting about my feelings again…Let�s go on…I think what struck me hardest was when my dad said to me, after they all left, �I�m happy for you. You have good friends.� I felt…i don�t know how to describe how I felt…

What else happened during my hols? Well, I watched 2 movies with Cat. Heh, I don�t know how to feel anymore. Its like, it seems like we�re getting closer yet like as said earlier, the closer we get, the farther i feel. Its when you put poisoned food in front of a starving man. Its food. But its poisoned so he cant touch it. And then you bring it closer and closer to him…letting him smell the wonderful smell of the dish…you get what I mean don�t you? I�m lost. The closer she gets, the more I love her. The more I care, the more I�m willing to do anything for her…and the more it hurts…

Well, other than that, the next biggest thing that�s happened is my trip to Malacca. I think I�ll save that for tomorrow. Probably tell you about Excalibur too(Yes…believe it or not…i�ve formed it…kind of at least)…

Bye Bye Diary.
Good Night

Yours,
Ridzy
1.28am