Constructive Deconstruction

Its been a long week…

Dear Diary,
It’s Saturday once more…The week’s been really long with a lot of things happening. I think the most major being the Fish thing. Ya know something, Cat gave me a card on Monday. Heh, nice. Anyway, fish read it and based on some past shit, he told me to tell her to fuck off. Fuck him. I don’t care if he’s had a bad day, or week, or month, or if his entire life’s been fucked up…She doesn’t deserve that. Its odd. I talked to Q about most of the things. Even brought up Jas Loh into the picture. And he tried to talk sense into me. Its really odd. The only way to observe Jas Loh seems to be by critically positioning yourself as ‘present’ but invisible. But Q kind of tells me that by doing that, i’m biased. Another of course is to get to know her. I got close to her before and the truth is, she does seem to be exert subtle influence over you…and when you consciously refuse, she responds rather…sarcastically.

I’m still struggling now. I think of all the people, Q and my father are the two people who put the concept of friendship into perspective. In both cases, true friendship at many times transcends logic. The Brain Vs The Heart. The Heart wins. The Brain’s job is to keep you alive. But Q tried to make me see logic(which I saw). Believe jasmine or Cat? My faith is in cat…Jasmine lied to me. She could have made a mistake. But between them both. I trust cat. You think i’m biased right? Because I love her? I do love her. And loving and trusting someone is all about faith right? Just like how all the religions in the world knows there’s a god. They don’t. Its just pure faith. I love cat. And that’s where I put my trust…

I had two dreams of her this week. In both, I guess we kind of got attached. It was the most wonderful feeling I ever got. But it was a dream…That’ll probably never come true…

I love you cat. I just wish you knew what you are to me…

Yours,
Ridzuan
9.05pm

Its midnight…Its time to die…

<p>Dear Diary,<br />
I cant stand loving Cat! But I do…Argh! I’m going to run away and hide in my sleep now…</p>
<p>Yours,<br />
Ridzuan<br />
11.58pm</p>

I’ve reached the peak…

Dear Diary,
I’ve reached the peak. I’ve completed my term of office. As of yesterday afternoon….I stepped down. and for some reason, everything looks downhill from here…

It happened again you know…You know how I mentioned before about everyone wanting everything else but me? It happened again. For some reason, everyone wanted to take a photo with everyone else. Me? A few people did. A few people shook my hand. A few people hugged me. A few. I didn’t say thank you to Q. He didn’t say thanks to me. I said thank you to Cat. And we shook hands. I wanted so much to hug her. But we shook hands. And she said, “Don’t worry. We’ll still work together.” Will we? Argh! I wanted to take a photo with her…but I was afraid. I wasn’t sure if she was going to be comfortable with it. So I didn’t ask. Then she tapped my shoulder…and she said, “Can you help to take a photo of us?” Weiyan was with her. Sure. Of course i’ll do that for you.

Yesterday, I lost the most common ground with her. Today, I’m trying to figure what will happen tomorrow. Tomorrow, I think it’ll hurt like hell…and maybe it’ll be the start of my end…I’m afraid. She hugged Chunyen. She hugs a hoard of girls. and who knows who else she did…But not me…Urgh. I want to think its jealousy. But why do i feel disappointed instead of rage?

You know something…I trust her. But I don’t know if I cant trust her completely… Why is it that each time she says that she’ll be there forever. That our friendship will work out. That she won’t walk out of me. Why is it that I think she’s making a lie. Why is that I think she knows she can’t keep her promise.

I’m living a lie. Each time i look at her. Each time I talk to her. I’m lying. I say, “You can talk to me you know?” when I really want to say, “Damn! I love you! I can’t stand seeing you like this! Talk to me! Tell me what’s wrong! And if I cant do anything about it, let me hurt as much as you do!” Each Time I say, “I’m bored, eh, call me and sing me a song..hehe” what I really want to say is, “I’ve been thinking of you all day. I miss you.”

It hurts loving her. It makes me lie to myself each moment. But I love her. I love truly…dearly…

Well, I’ve stepped down with joy and many regrets…What was the greatest moment?…

….When I shook her hand…and gazed in her eyes…

Yours,
Ridzuan
12.58am

…

"cath-A-rine(00:05 AM) :
you know
i dunno what to think
i love council with all my life
i’ve given everything i possibly could
…
it hurts that people dun even trust me with a simple job..
maybe i went wrong sumwhere"

I wish I had the guts to say this to her…

"You know something?
I loved council.
Then I felt betrayed.
Now I love you.
And I betrayed myself…"

How should I feel?

Dear Diary,
How should I feel? I don’t know… I think I’ll write to you later…

Yours,
Ridzuan
11.49pm

Another day of pain…

Dear Diary,
Today is Youth Day! But…I had to wake up early to go to school…So sad. Anyhow, I woke up at around 6 and got to school at around 8.10am. Little did I know that the JC2s were actually supposed to assemble at around 7.30….oh well…The rehearsal generally went on quite well except that some of the councillors reported late and some others tried to add in last minute changes to the script!( I get horribly frustrated when people do things like that unnecessarily ) Anyway, I felt horrible throughout the entire thing. I guess it was remnants from yesterday’s episode. But it got worse when I saw cat. Argh! She’s seems so happy. She has so many friends. People tell her stuff! People give her hugs! People play around with her!….me?
I wish someone would pat me on the back and say that I did something well…
I wish someone would tell me that I was admired…
I wish someone would ask me out for a movie….or anything….
I wish someone would put their arms around me and tell me that i’m his/her buddy…
I wish someone would give me hugs…
….anyone…
Why is it always me who asks people out?
Why is it that even after I ask cat out I have to remember to remind her? Am I that desperate?
Why is it that I must always go out there to claw for company…?
Why don’t people ask me?
Am I that grotesque?
Am I that destestable?
I hate me.
I want to die…

Maybe i’m jealous…
I don’t know….
I just want all this to end…
I want to love her w/o having to consume what we have…
but for some reason, I want her to love me too…but i know that cant happen…
I’m lost in my own abyss of emotions…
I’m afraid I’ll drown…
yet I want to drown…
to end it all…
Help me…

Yours,
Ridzuan
10.04am

Wee hours of 8th July…

Dear Diary,
I was about to go to bed when cat asked me for the venue of godeatgod…then I decided to write you too. Anyway, Today’s been quite uneventful except that I’ve been doing a lot of studying…I’m quite excited by the possibility of studying at the hotel with Ivan and Q(haven’t talked to Q though). Anyway…i’m going to go to bed now…I got rehearsal tomorrow. Stepping down soon…

Diary, hope that I sleep well tonight…but I think i’m going to cry myself to sleep again….

Yours,
Ridzuan
12.48am

Lullaby of Tears…

Dear Diary,
I woke up especially early today. Initially planned to go for a jog and stuff but in the end, I ended up here…checking utopia and just hoping for something to happen.

Yesterday night, I cried myself to sleep again. Its so painful you know to cry each night just thinking about her. I think I could officially say that i’m in depression but then again, sad people always think they’re depressed and I think psychologists seem to agree to anything so long as you keep on going to them(fyi, I haven’t gone to see a shrink, and I don’t plan to). She asked me if I wanted to talk to her about what’s made me feel bad these days. And I told her that I’ve already spoken to shaz. The truth is, I think all shaz knows is that i’m madly in love with her, and that I don’t have the balls to go tell her. The thoughts, nightmares, and daily hauntings…well, they’re all with me. Nevertheless, I told her nothing. I think I talk to much. For some reason, I think my friendships with people all seem to revolve around sad things. Its as if they all choose to be there when I’m sad. And that makes me think they only pity me. And pity isn’t friendship. Oh hell, I don’t know what i’m saying anymore…I think I’ll write an entry to Cat soon…One that she’ll never see…

Thanks for always being here diary…

Yours,
Ridzuan
8.08pm