Constructive Deconstruction

Another day of pain…

July 9, 2002 on 10:04 am | In Random | No Comments

Dear Diary,
Today is Youth Day! But…I had to wake up early to go to school…So sad. Anyhow, I woke up at around 6 and got to school at around 8.10am. Little did I know that the JC2s were actually supposed to assemble at around 7.30….oh well…The rehearsal generally went on quite well except that some of the councillors reported late and some others tried to add in last minute changes to the script!( I get horribly frustrated when people do things like that unnecessarily ) Anyway, I felt horrible throughout the entire thing. I guess it was remnants from yesterday’s episode. But it got worse when I saw cat. Argh! She’s seems so happy. She has so many friends. People tell her stuff! People give her hugs! People play around with her!….me?
I wish someone would pat me on the back and say that I did something well…
I wish someone would tell me that I was admired…
I wish someone would ask me out for a movie….or anything….
I wish someone would put their arms around me and tell me that i’m his/her buddy…
I wish someone would give me hugs…
….anyone…
Why is it always me who asks people out?
Why is it that even after I ask cat out I have to remember to remind her? Am I that desperate?
Why is it that I must always go out there to claw for company…?
Why don’t people ask me?
Am I that grotesque?
Am I that destestable?
I hate me.
I want to die…

Maybe i’m jealous…
I don’t know….
I just want all this to end…
I want to love her w/o having to consume what we have…
but for some reason, I want her to love me too…but i know that cant happen…
I’m lost in my own abyss of emotions…
I’m afraid I’ll drown…
yet I want to drown…
to end it all…
Help me…

Yours,
Ridzuan
10.04am