Constructive Deconstruction

I’ve reached the peak…

July 14, 2002 on 12:58 am | In Random | No Comments

Dear Diary,
I’ve reached the peak. I’ve completed my term of office. As of yesterday afternoon….I stepped down. and for some reason, everything looks downhill from here…

It happened again you know…You know how I mentioned before about everyone wanting everything else but me? It happened again. For some reason, everyone wanted to take a photo with everyone else. Me? A few people did. A few people shook my hand. A few people hugged me. A few. I didn’t say thank you to Q. He didn’t say thanks to me. I said thank you to Cat. And we shook hands. I wanted so much to hug her. But we shook hands. And she said, “Don’t worry. We’ll still work together.” Will we? Argh! I wanted to take a photo with her…but I was afraid. I wasn’t sure if she was going to be comfortable with it. So I didn’t ask. Then she tapped my shoulder…and she said, “Can you help to take a photo of us?” Weiyan was with her. Sure. Of course i’ll do that for you.

Yesterday, I lost the most common ground with her. Today, I’m trying to figure what will happen tomorrow. Tomorrow, I think it’ll hurt like hell…and maybe it’ll be the start of my end…I’m afraid. She hugged Chunyen. She hugs a hoard of girls. and who knows who else she did…But not me…Urgh. I want to think its jealousy. But why do i feel disappointed instead of rage?

You know something…I trust her. But I don’t know if I cant trust her completely… Why is it that each time she says that she’ll be there forever. That our friendship will work out. That she won’t walk out of me. Why is it that I think she’s making a lie. Why is that I think she knows she can’t keep her promise.

I’m living a lie. Each time i look at her. Each time I talk to her. I’m lying. I say, “You can talk to me you know?” when I really want to say, “Damn! I love you! I can’t stand seeing you like this! Talk to me! Tell me what’s wrong! And if I cant do anything about it, let me hurt as much as you do!” Each Time I say, “I’m bored, eh, call me and sing me a song..hehe” what I really want to say is, “I’ve been thinking of you all day. I miss you.”

It hurts loving her. It makes me lie to myself each moment. But I love her. I love truly…dearly…

Well, I’ve stepped down with joy and many regrets…What was the greatest moment?…

….When I shook her hand…and gazed in her eyes…

Yours,
Ridzuan
12.58am