Constructive Deconstruction

Sick…

Dear Diary,
I booked out today…Can’t say much…I’m feeling sick…I’ve got a fever…But I don wanna fall out of training…I ate some self medication just now…Hope to be better by the time I book in tomorrow…argh…

Yours,
Ridzuan
11.28pm

In a few more hours…

Dear Diary,
In a few more hours I’ll be on a ferry back to tekong island…

What have I done in the past 3 days? I’ve spent much time shopping and packing and ironing. But I guess what’s most meaningful to me is that I got to spend time with my family. With Q and shaz. With Cat. That’s enough to keep me going. Oh, you know something? Cat gave me a Christmas card with a message in it. I think the stuff she wrote was very meaningful. I’ve decided to bring it to camp and storing it in my personal drawer to remind myself why i’ve got to keep myself going in one piece.

You know Q gave me a hug yesterday. Cat kinda like prompted us to give each other a hug or something and then there was a brief moment of hesitation. But we hugged anyway. Heh, i guess there’s some unwritten code that says that guys shouldn go around huggin. But we did.

I’m beginnning to miss them already…

Truth is, I don’t mind going to Tekong and being treated like a dirt recruit. But I guess I’m beginning to miss home. My family. Q and Shaz. Cat. But I guess this is what’ll make me stronger…

*sobz*…I will write again when I book out…Till then, i’ll just phlog my thoughts…

Merry Christmas. Happy New year.

Yours,
Ridzuan

~A soldier I must be to protect the sovereignty of my nation and preserve the smiles of my loved ones, embracing their laughter and letting it fill the air of my world. For King and Country? No. For love.~

I’m home…

Dear Diary,
I’m home. Actually I got home yesterday but i was too tired and too busy to go online to write. So here I am…

Today, I had was supposed to watch LOTR with Cat but she overslept…haha. But I went to watch it anyway…Sadly, I walked out of it towards the end of the show coz I was supposed to meet Cat, Q and Shaz for lunch. So ermm..yeah. I missed the last part. Argh. Anyway, we had lunch and had a good talk with each other about whatever we’re doing right now…I still feel bored in NS(No mental stimulation). I think Q is in quite a bad spot coz YFC doesnt have places or something so they get him to do a desk job at CMPB. Geez. And I thought the armed forces would have planned things to the finest detail. Wrong!

Oh well, after lunch we kinda all went our seperate ways…then walked around Marina Square with Cat to get her sweets for her Xmas party. Frankly, we only went to the NTUC there…haha. After that, we parted…I think my mind’s pretty shagged now…I think i’ll write again later.

~if my flame dies tonight, her smile will resonate in my heaven~

Yours,
Ridzuan
10pm

Dear Diary…

Dearest Diary,
In less than 5 hours i’ll be off to the Army. Its just the Physical Training Phase. Not tough is it? Just run and jump and just workout. Easy yeah? Of course!

…Problem is that’s what i’ve been telling myself all this while. But somehow as the hour draws nearer this sudden feeling of uneasiness sets in. Now, frankly I feel very nervous. Suddenly, i’m like looking at a very foreign phase in my life. National Service. But oh well, i’m telling myself to just live on. Get used to life ASAP. Shouldnt be a problem. I’ve survived so much so far. I can’t let it be a problem. Heh, you know i was thinking of this line last night, “If there are things that will happen in NS, maybe the army will teach my confidence some humility. Or maybe my confidence will give the army a whole new meaning of cockiness!” Haha! Just trying to be funny I guess…Or maybe i’m just hiding from the anxiety i feel…

Anyway, I did a lot of meaningful things today. For one, I spent a lot of time just talking to my parents and hanging out with my brothers. I think its something we (or at least I) should do more often. Then I spent time chatting with Q. Heh. I wish i could meet him. But I can’t and he’s enlisting on Thursday. So, Good Luck & Have Fun Q!*Hug* And earlier in the day, I had lunch with Cat and Chonghan(i’ll refer to him as Duck). Good lunch. Played at the arcade in Plaza Singapura after lunch…Heh, I think i’ll force Catharine to play the next time i get her out. Anyway, I bought Cat this photoframe thingy with sand and air in it. Kinda makes a nice mountainous landscape when you just let the sand drop. Heh, I guess I like to buy things for people that hold a certain value in time. I remember that was the thing that kept us stuck at Marina for like 45mins just because she was admiring the thing. That was the day we went to catch a play…Anyway, I would’ve preferred to get Duck a card with a letter but I guess I just didn’t have time. Had a great chat with duck about so many things after lunch…

~Darn. I can’t help but think that i’ll be waking up in like 2.5hours with the mood of enlisting.~

Anyway, chatted with Cat via SMS just now…Heh, talked about prom again. Heh, Darn! I shouldve passed my NAPFA test lah(SO to all you guys..I say again!…Pass the damn test!)…Heh, i wonder if she can visit me during the first incamp visiting thing…Oh well, i’ll find out…then time will tell…

This might be my last post in a while…I’ll try to keep blogging via the SMS Blog on the right panel…That’s if my battery lasts and the phone doesn’t get confiscated…

So to all the people who are reading this, and to all the people I care about…
I love you!
Wish me luck…but don’t worry about me…I’ll survive…
See you guys soon yeah?

With lots of love,
Ridzuan Ashim
R(A)

Sorry Keat Wei…

Dear Diary,
Was talking to Keatwei online just now…Argh…then my PC got comandeered by my uncles. Heh…So just wanna say sorry to Keatwei…Heh, Oh…You know, while talking to him, i realised I’ve been so crazy for Cat for 11 months already…

Will be back later…

Yours,
Ridzuan
12.01am

Bored…

Dear Diary,
I’m bored. Yes! That’s basically it! I’m am sooo bored. You know, i just caught a glimpse of melissa’s blog. Oh, she’s this junior of mine who ran for council. Anyway, after reading a few entries, its like…i don’t know what to say. I guess you get a feeling of like dejavu and some other emotions. Weird isn’t it, how the best and most meaningful(either in a good or bad sense) emotions you feel can’t be expressed. Maybe that’s why they’re so precious. You know, I was thinking of Cat before I slept…Its like now that we’re clean with each other I feel a sense of joy that I’ve got her back(as a friend of course) but at the same time, there’s this strong feeling that just sank so deep.

You know the kind when someone slaps you in the chest and you don’t feel it on the skin but inside the chest? Its like now, that the feeling isnt mutual, its like, a big part of me tells me to just suck it in and just keep it there because if I try to do anything with it, it’ll just hurt us. Damn. But time will pass. We’ll see how I guess…

Oh, I’ll be having lunch with Chonghan and Cat at Plaza Singapura tomorrow. Heh, I was joking with Cat about having her wear her prom stuff for a preview. Hee, then she said something about ‘wearing a gown’. Suddenly it flashed in my head and i got this sunken feeling…I think she’ll be the most gorgeous girl that night…at least she will be to me. But I wont be there…

Haven’t seen her for like a week…I miss her already…

Yours,
Ridzuan
6.10pm

It works!

Dear Diary,
The Phlogger thing actually works! Heh, I think i’ll go tinker with it somemore…

Yours,
Ridzuan
1.28am

In the mid of Night…

Dear Diary,
I’m so glad that I finally got the SMS Blog thing up. Oh, if you didn’t know all the entries on the box to the right are all submitted via SMS. Cool huh? Well, I’m done with most of the stuff I intended to do. This is probably the last thing that i’ll be doing for tonight…

You know, I still can’t get Adilah out of my head. No no, don’t get me wrong. It’s not the Whoa-she’s-nice-i-might-get-a-crush thing. It’s very…hmmm…i dunno. Its like, i still remember that little girl that I hung out with once in a while. Playing in her room, getting pissed by her attitude. Oh, I think I didn’t like her very whiny kind of character. But then again, all kids were like that at some point. Oh, her sister used to babysit us regularly too. Geez. Then suddenly one day the world changed. *poof* they disappeared. I didn’t have the slightest clue where they went or what happened to them. I didn’t even dare to ask. The thing is, when I see her today, its like, she’s all grown up. She not a girl. She’s not a lady. She’s like a grown up. By some yardsticks, she’s probably more experienced in life than I am. (I picture my father saying, “Its not probably! It is!) Its like,
I’m feeling so sad inside when I see her coz she’s just one year younger than I am. Its like her childhood just died. Look at her smile…its like i still see that kid. That kid who’s supposed to be crapping with other girls and hang around with other people and just wasting time away. But no. She’s talking about making time for visiting her family. And she’s talking about how she has to go to work tomorrow. Even she asked my other cousin and my brother out, it was “Can I borrow…out?” Why borrow? Why has she become so ‘inferior’ to the world around her? Damn it. Why doesn’t she just steal people?! I know people wouldn’t want to lend her their time. Because damn as hell, I know I’d just give it to her. She’s my cousin. And somehow, I only realised it now. Till today I don’t know her life story. But when I see her…when I see that little girl…I suddenly remember that she’s the cousin I didn’t know. Of all people, maybe I should have been there for her and her family. Maybe there’s time. I hope there is.

Anyway, a lot of things got me thinking. One of the things is how my family is changing. We are. I know I am. Somehow, as I get closer to my National Service, I suddenly put my life ahead of me. Its like I somehow take a greater interest in what I am and what I want to become. I think when I think about who I am now, I somehow feel…more grownup. But what worries me now is how my brothers are changing. Its not that I don’t care about my parents. Its just that my parents are ok. Just that physically they’re getting…old. My brothers…well, they’re changing into whateverthey wish.
That worries me. Because Faredz is highly-low in confidence and is superbly susceptible to peer pressure. He seems to treasure ‘face’ and that makes me worried because something like that can really get a person into trouble simply because you refuse to back down due to reasons of pride. Then of course comes my youngest brother. In short, he’s an attention seeker who wants to follow what Faredz is. So you see…what Faredz decides to be…Fadzli will also probably want to be. And I wouldn’t be around when I go for NS. Hopefully things will be fine at home…I don’t know why i’ve suddenly taken an interest in all things that are ‘family’ but I think its a good thing.

Ok, from this point on, its going to be BABY PICTURES!!! I think babies are super cute! You know, I don’t really like going to my mom’s real family’s side.(its not that I hate it though) But maybe its just because they’re not as successful as my dad’s family. But the truth is, my dad’s family was poor before too. And they too lived in similar conditions. So maybe it’s just me being a pampered kid who’s lived comfortably all his life. Truth is, when i spend time at my mom’s side’s place, they really have this togetherness kind of thing where you know that ideals like respect is still in practice. Oh well…

Oh well, I’m pretty much zoinked now…So I think i’ll go to bed…

Good night…

Yours,
Ridzuan
4.46am

Oh…

Dear Diary,
I’m don’t know…but its kind of worrying me that all of a sudden two people who ‘know’ me have found me…in 2 days. Yikes! Well, if you guys start readin my diary, leave me your name or something yah? Maybe you can email me your name if you wanna keep it between us. Can? Quite scary if too many people know me yet I don’t know them…

Thanks,
Ridzuan

At Wak Man’s Place

Dear Diary,
Well, only 2 houses today…currently at my first. I think we’re going off soon but I just thought of dropping by…Well, See ya!

Yours,
Ridzuan
9.02pm