Constructive Deconstruction

Pit stop

Dear Diary,
I don’t have much time. The entire ‘big family’ just left my place. That means that i’ll be going over to some other uncle’s place soon…So far, its been one super tiring day…I think its because I didn’t sleep last night. But i’ll write again later…I promise. Anyway, to the AJCian who found me…No man is as big as he seems…I hope to get to know you though…Oh well, until later!

Gotta run!

Yours,
Ridzuan
11.23pm

All geared up…

Dear Diary,
All set and ready to go for the Hari Raya prayers…For the first time, i’ll just be going to the mosque with my younger brother. Hmmm…Hope it ends quickly. The ’sermon’ can get pretty lengthy sometimes. Darn. I’m beginning to feel the effects of not sleeping. Hope I can get some sleep in the car…Oh, here’s a place I hope to go…

University of Virginia

Yours,
Ridzuan
R(A)
6.09am

Reminisce

Dear Diary,
It’s 4.07am the morning of Hari Raya. So many things have happened since the last time I wrote. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that i’ve been shutting everyone out of my life - I’ve been writing to Saine, Baine, Raine and Paine. Let me tell you a bit about it. These are 4 imaginary people(much like yourself) that exist in a little black book. Its like real diary that I carry around. I write in to Saine when life’s pretty and all. Baine when I’m troubled. Paine when i’m troubled and depressed. And to Raine when i’m troubled and depressed to the point i’ve shed tears. Oh well, that’s about it. I’m considering posting all my entried in there into here…But we’ll see about that yah?

Anyway, my A level exams have ended. The truth is, I dont think i’ll do very well for the exams. Especially for Chemistry. I really screwed the Paper 3(which is the most major paper). I might even fail it. And if that happens, then i’m pretty much a goner because I’m basically a 3 A level subject student meaning that if I fail just one, i’ll get 2 A level passes at most. Darn. What’s worrisome sometimes, is the fact that I don’t feel too worried. In fact, I’ve even made plans for my failure. Haha. If I do fail, then i’ll go for some computer informatics course where I hope to do computer programming. Then i hope to get a diploma and get to the University. Geez. But really, that’s about all i’ve got to talk about for my academic life. Seems like 12 years of education was really a waste huh? Well, I think so. Haha.

Anyway, 3 days ago, on the 2nd of December, Cat and I got into this really horrible disagreement. You see, She and I had planned to go over to her place after some council sendoff to help her to her aunt’s shop’s webbie you see. And so I cancelled my family plans and rejected my other friends stuff to help her out. It’s that I minded, just that I planned to hang out with my family from today onwards…Anyway, after we sent of Trung(this Vietnamese council fella), naturally lunch was the subject of discussion. So I figured although i’m fasting, i’ve got to be mindful that she’s got to eat right? And that she would probably like to hang around with the council fella’s for a while. The clock was 1pm. They had lunch…until 3. And throughout all that, not only was I superbly bored, she seemed to act like I was completely invisible. She gave me the usual pitiful look. She could have asked me you know? But never mind. After lunch, I was pretty shocked when she asked the rest about where they should go next. Then she met some friends of hers and then she just decided to cancel our plans and figured she’d go shop with those friends of hers. I know I should have been more tolerant. But after all the hell that i’ve been through, I just felt really really ditched. Well, for the entire day, I was so pissed I just literally roamed orchard. I think I passed by Takashimaya like 8 times. I just walked from one end and back then back to the end and back. I just wanted to cool off. Anyway, at the end of the day I got this message from her asking if i’ve cooled down. I snapped. I think I must have blasted at her over SMS for like half an hour. Anyway, she apologised and apologised saying that she thought I was fine with the whole thing. I cooled down later that night and figured maybe I over-reacted. So i SMS-ed her just to tell her my side of the story about how she’s always been avoiding me and stuff. The I said something like, “You do realise how I feel about you right?” I guess there was a very long silence over the radiowaves at that very moment. It was a couple of hours later that I got a reply - “Gimme a moment”. I was quite sure I was going to lose a friend. Anyway, the next night, we talked over ICQ. And straigtened things out. I love her. I still do. But she didn’t want to lead me on by going for coffee or movies or anything. That’s why she’s been avoiding me. Truth is, I guess, a part of me knows that she’ll never feel the same way as I do. But hopefully, now we can just be friends. Close friends. And me? I guess i’ll have to suck my thumb and bear with it. But that’s what love should be right? To give and never ask for anything in return. Thats true love. Oh well…

Another piece of good news is that I’ve started Excalibur. Yup. And its online too! I cant give you the details of some of the stuff coz that’s reserved for the brown manilla envelope marked “Confidential” in my room. But yeah, its started. Even had our first dinner. Bleagh, felt cheated because the buffet spread was changed for the Ramadan Season. Its not that I mind eating malay delicacies. Its just that, I’ve been eating them the entire month!. Shuckz.

Oh, I’ll be going into the Army on the 10th December. yeah. That’s like in 4 days time. You know, I’m all excited and stuff about going for National Service but I’m really pissed that I only get 2 weeks off! Argh. Blame myself for failing my NAPFA. Should’ve trained harder.(Yeah, so if you’re a Singaporean kid who’s approaching your Enlistment Year. Train. Pass the test in school.)Oh well…For King? and Country!

Lastly, its Hari Raya today. You know, I feel quite horrible this year, because i’m like stuck between wanting to enjoy myself, being with friends, being with family and helping the family out. I’ve failed quite horribly. I think i’ve barely helped out in the house. And today is Hari Raya! I guess its a big year this year because its like my last year as a ‘boy’(coz everyone sees you as a man when you go the army…though I beg to differ). So its like, everyone is expecting more from me I guess…I guess I’ll try to make the little time that i’m spending with my family meaningful. Oh, I’m takin them out to Seoul Garden this Sunday…Man, that’s like $100 gone! But well, if I can treat cat, then I should be able to treat them right? Of course!

So, I guess i’ll end here…I’ll write again at the end of the day when all the Day-1-Hari-Raya-Stuff is over! Man its going to be one heck of day!

Sincerely,
Ridzuan
R(A)
5.08am

P.S. I finally wrote a letter to Mrs. McClung(She was my 2nd Grade Teacher when I was in the USA).

My first entry…

Dear Diary,
I’ve finally got my own weblog up! Heh, actually its your new home! Haha. Like it? Well, even if you don’t you’re to stay!

Anyway, Its been a very long time since I wrote to you so here I am…So much has happened since I last wrote. Amongst the major things that have happened, my A levels have ended, I’ve kind of told Cat how I feel and I supposed to be all geared up for National Service(yes! Believe it or not, I am going to be a Soldier! Haha)

Argh…I lost my train of thought…i’ll write back in a while…

Yours,
Ridzuan
2am