Constructive Deconstruction

Bored…

Dear Diary,
I’m bored. Yes! That’s basically it! I’m am sooo bored. You know, i just caught a glimpse of melissa’s blog. Oh, she’s this junior of mine who ran for council. Anyway, after reading a few entries, its like…i don’t know what to say. I guess you get a feeling of like dejavu and some other emotions. Weird isn’t it, how the best and most meaningful(either in a good or bad sense) emotions you feel can’t be expressed. Maybe that’s why they’re so precious. You know, I was thinking of Cat before I slept…Its like now that we’re clean with each other I feel a sense of joy that I’ve got her back(as a friend of course) but at the same time, there’s this strong feeling that just sank so deep.

You know the kind when someone slaps you in the chest and you don’t feel it on the skin but inside the chest? Its like now, that the feeling isnt mutual, its like, a big part of me tells me to just suck it in and just keep it there because if I try to do anything with it, it’ll just hurt us. Damn. But time will pass. We’ll see how I guess…

Oh, I’ll be having lunch with Chonghan and Cat at Plaza Singapura tomorrow. Heh, I was joking with Cat about having her wear her prom stuff for a preview. Hee, then she said something about ‘wearing a gown’. Suddenly it flashed in my head and i got this sunken feeling…I think she’ll be the most gorgeous girl that night…at least she will be to me. But I wont be there…

Haven’t seen her for like a week…I miss her already…

Yours,
Ridzuan
6.10pm

It works!

Dear Diary,
The Phlogger thing actually works! Heh, I think i’ll go tinker with it somemore…

Yours,
Ridzuan
1.28am

In the mid of Night…

Dear Diary,
I’m so glad that I finally got the SMS Blog thing up. Oh, if you didn’t know all the entries on the box to the right are all submitted via SMS. Cool huh? Well, I’m done with most of the stuff I intended to do. This is probably the last thing that i’ll be doing for tonight…

You know, I still can’t get Adilah out of my head. No no, don’t get me wrong. It’s not the Whoa-she’s-nice-i-might-get-a-crush thing. It’s very…hmmm…i dunno. Its like, i still remember that little girl that I hung out with once in a while. Playing in her room, getting pissed by her attitude. Oh, I think I didn’t like her very whiny kind of character. But then again, all kids were like that at some point. Oh, her sister used to babysit us regularly too. Geez. Then suddenly one day the world changed. *poof* they disappeared. I didn’t have the slightest clue where they went or what happened to them. I didn’t even dare to ask. The thing is, when I see her today, its like, she’s all grown up. She not a girl. She’s not a lady. She’s like a grown up. By some yardsticks, she’s probably more experienced in life than I am. (I picture my father saying, “Its not probably! It is!) Its like,
I’m feeling so sad inside when I see her coz she’s just one year younger than I am. Its like her childhood just died. Look at her smile…its like i still see that kid. That kid who’s supposed to be crapping with other girls and hang around with other people and just wasting time away. But no. She’s talking about making time for visiting her family. And she’s talking about how she has to go to work tomorrow. Even she asked my other cousin and my brother out, it was “Can I borrow…out?” Why borrow? Why has she become so ‘inferior’ to the world around her? Damn it. Why doesn’t she just steal people?! I know people wouldn’t want to lend her their time. Because damn as hell, I know I’d just give it to her. She’s my cousin. And somehow, I only realised it now. Till today I don’t know her life story. But when I see her…when I see that little girl…I suddenly remember that she’s the cousin I didn’t know. Of all people, maybe I should have been there for her and her family. Maybe there’s time. I hope there is.

Anyway, a lot of things got me thinking. One of the things is how my family is changing. We are. I know I am. Somehow, as I get closer to my National Service, I suddenly put my life ahead of me. Its like I somehow take a greater interest in what I am and what I want to become. I think when I think about who I am now, I somehow feel…more grownup. But what worries me now is how my brothers are changing. Its not that I don’t care about my parents. Its just that my parents are ok. Just that physically they’re getting…old. My brothers…well, they’re changing into whateverthey wish.
That worries me. Because Faredz is highly-low in confidence and is superbly susceptible to peer pressure. He seems to treasure ‘face’ and that makes me worried because something like that can really get a person into trouble simply because you refuse to back down due to reasons of pride. Then of course comes my youngest brother. In short, he’s an attention seeker who wants to follow what Faredz is. So you see…what Faredz decides to be…Fadzli will also probably want to be. And I wouldn’t be around when I go for NS. Hopefully things will be fine at home…I don’t know why i’ve suddenly taken an interest in all things that are ‘family’ but I think its a good thing.

Ok, from this point on, its going to be BABY PICTURES!!! I think babies are super cute! You know, I don’t really like going to my mom’s real family’s side.(its not that I hate it though) But maybe its just because they’re not as successful as my dad’s family. But the truth is, my dad’s family was poor before too. And they too lived in similar conditions. So maybe it’s just me being a pampered kid who’s lived comfortably all his life. Truth is, when i spend time at my mom’s side’s place, they really have this togetherness kind of thing where you know that ideals like respect is still in practice. Oh well…

Oh well, I’m pretty much zoinked now…So I think i’ll go to bed…

Good night…

Yours,
Ridzuan
4.46am