Constructive Deconstruction

Move.

July 3, 2006 on 5:15 am | In Personal Rants | No Comments

It's 5am. Why is it that it's only around 10pm that I get into the 'zone' and only now that i feel tired enough to sleep? I wish I could say, "Jetlag" but I can't. Haha

Well, over a conversation I had today, I came to realise that there's a difference between moving forward and moving on. I realised that I've been so afraid of being stuck in a moment while everyone zooms by that I've kept on moving forward - without really moving on. How does one really learn to do that? How do I just wave my hand before my eyes and turn memory into history and pain into wisdom? To have experience is not enough. It doesn't make one better or smarter or wiser. Experience is just is.

I look at the people around me now and I wonder if i'll ever measure up. If i'll ever be good enough. I ponder now about why i'm striving to achieve this Excalibur Dream. I started it. I crushed it. And here I am trying to achieve it again. Why am I chasing this so relentlessly? Who am I to say that I will not preach only to massacre those who are part of it? I guess I don't. But this is the path I chose to take and I remind myself everyday that it will be a lonely road to take. Already, the lonesome life has set in. It's just my handful of friends and perhaps you who read this - my solitude, my little outlet of expression.

There are those who walk with me not knowing whether I will succeed or fail. I thank you for the companionship. And I apologise for the time that you may waste on me.

I feel a weight on my shoulders that only grow each day. And each day I must decide - to pretend I will not grow up, or to embrace the responsibilities with renewed faith…

How does one turn memory into history?

and pain into wisdom?