Constructive Deconstruction

The Worst

It has been a long time since I ran at MacRitchie so I figured I'd go for a run there with Mal… I mean, we used to run there right? How difficult can it get?

So…I decided, treetop route. And off we went. I died before the 2km mark even. The upslope killed me and for the first time in my life, i puked during a run. At some level it was interesting because it was a whole new experience to suddenly have your throat convulse like that. But well, we continued to walk to the treetop walk and all the way around - the standard 10km route - ending it off with a jog along Lornie Road.

It was the worst run ever.
And even after walking the route so many times with Keng Rui and Ivan…Today was the worst walk too.

I shall blame the weather. Haha

On Fear

There is much fear in me. There is much fear about what is to come. I'm afraid about how my future will turn out. I'm afraid that I will wake up one day and realise that I am not anything like who I think I am. I'm afraid that i'd wake up and realise that i'm a big lie to myself. The pressure keeps on increasing everyday. It's the holidays yet it feels like an eternity has passed. The days pass by so slowly and the evenings just zoom by but all in all 24 hours feels like 24 days. I want this. I want that. I want this. I want that. Talking to malcolm reminds me of what I want to be. Reminds me of the weight that we both bear on our shoulders. Having to perform well in my studies, my work, my character, my life. It feels so right doing what i'm doing now, yet there is this great urge to just leave it all - to walk away and resign to what life offers to those who wish to just skim by.

But I will not skim by. And it is not because of pride, greed or some insatiable hunger for the limelight. It's for a belief that each person in this world is tasked to do his utmost best in all that he does. To do the right thing, and to give it all he has. To better the world around him. To better the lives of the ones he loves. And to better the conditions for the ones that come long after he is gone. And that takes work. Lots of it. But we if keep on trying…and if we all try…we get there someday. Or at least come close.

I have dreams that swim around in my heart. And I have fears that I only keep in my head.

Sometimes it makes me shiver.

At other times, it just gives me nightmares. 

What will I be tomorrow?