Constructive Deconstruction

I am Singaporean

July 12, 2006 on 2:44 pm | In Personal Rants, Random, Reflections, iamsingaporean | 3 Comments

[ Click Here to Listen to Audio Entry ]

I am 22 years old and i come from one of the younger generation that’s still being treated like kids.

I hated National Service.
but I served it with pride.
I still serve my Reservist with pride.

I don’t think it’s so funny when people joke about Singapore being a "Fine" city but I have to admit…the shirts do sell.

There are times when I agree with what this country has to do.
But it’s when I disgree that I feel this country has to know.
I respect the laws of this nation, but I still break the rules sometimes.
I want to join in the Smile campaign but really, i’m not that happy.
I want to contribute to the GDP but hey, i’m still struggling with my allowance.
I’d like to use the national anthem in the background, but i’m sure i’ll get slammed, even though i think it’s a great show of patriotism.

I make fun of scholars and gahmen representatives because I think they’re too narrow and uptight. I’m sad that when people write about their different views[in contrast to those of the government] they have to say, "I am not slamming the government". My country still thinks we are dissidents even though we really aren’t. 

I know I am young and sometimes rebellious.
and sometimes I may dream greatly about living elsewhere

But deep inside

I know. This is home.

I am Ridzuan Ashim
And I am Singaporean
So say we all.

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This is my share of the National Day meme started by Mr Brown and Mr Miyaki, inspired by the Molson beer "I am Canadian" commercial.

If you like, you can record your own version of "I am Singaporean" and post it on your blog. You can also tag it iamsingaporean and entitle it "I am Singaporean".

When memory becomes history…

July 12, 2006 on 3:07 am | In Reflections | 2 Comments

While my good friend is doing his thinking about a lot of issues, i’ve been doing my thinking too. Especially when it came to the big question of "Have I moved on? Or have I merely moved forward?" I guess, while I want to smile and laugh and say that i’ve moved on, i really haven’t. Losing cat has been one of the most traumatic experiences i’ve had when it came to the field of Loss - it’s the first time i had to deal with losing someone that meant so much to me.

How then does a person…move on? I still don’t have the answer. I’ve tried pretending that I have in hope that i’d trick myself. But who am I kidding right? Haha! Well, the honest truth is that while I allow myself to feel attraction(in a relationship sense) to members of the opposite gender(something that amazingly i didn’t feel while I was committed in a relationship, is it like an automatic switch i wonder…), I really stop pursuing a decent friendship with that person when the next question pops in, "How far is the friendship even going to last?" I’ve done tons and tons of blog surfing in hope that i’d come across someone with the same sappy story as mine, lived through the post-incident emotions and wrote about it and here are the results.

Some people don’t get over it.
Some people get over it and become really cynical.
Some people tell themselves "A person comes into my life for a purpose and when that purpose is met, he/she leaves"
Some people get lucky and get back together and live through the horror all over again
and some, like me, just swing back and forth wondering why they’ve become pseudo-cynical.

I’ve made this resolution. I must decide. I must decide that things are just the way it is because it simply is. And tonight I will write the last of this in the open. My relationship with cat(it ended more than a year ago if you didn’t already know.) was one that brought me a great sense of fulfilment. But I was naive. As I let the relationship happen, I was clearly aware of the problems that we would encounter…family, race and religion being the greatest ones. But I knew that as long as 2 people decide to plough through it, there would be an eventual solution. But that ’sticking together’ decision and that acknowledgement of those problems were never really made. I never really spoke of them. I formulated my plans, and made my own considerations, and went through my own thought processes on my own. There were nights when I clearly remember wondering how my family would react to the idea of a civil marriage(one not recognised by the religion). There were nights when I pictured her father drawing a sledgehammer and running after me(it would be hilarious, on hindsight at least).

But I kept those thoughts to myself. I was the man. I must shoulder that extra burden…and that same male egoistic trait made me forget that while i may have ‘thought’ i was carrying extra burden, she had her own burden to bear. A burden I never showed an interest in. A burden I completely didn’t notice. Well, one thing led to another and soon it all spiralled downhill at that moment when I thought we were at our peak.

I guess I was taken aback by the sudden revelations and the inability to try to set things right after(that’s me. I have to fix problems.) And that really led me to a lot of doubts about the entire concept of relationships. I spoke to people on that and some felt I gave too much too fast. But really…How could a person look at another, tell him/her you love him/her and have some policy in the back of your head that goes, "Ok, i’ll only give 50% of myself for now. If this relationship goes beyond XX months/years, i’ll incrementally increase the commitment." I’m more of the guy that’s all-or-nothing. If I regard you as my friend, i’d die for you. honest. Otherwise, don’t expect much from me other than normal human respect.

And since my ideals and the mechanics of the world didn’t match. I’ve been stuck. Doubting my values and cynically looking at the world, belittling it based on my own superior notions of how the world should be. How arrogant. Naive. Ideal. So me.

So here I am. At a certain crossroad with my good friend, watching him live my past and my present and maybe even my future. To those who are still in love with the ones they’ve lost, i say, be strong. If you believe in God, pray that he will guide you through the pain. Don’t pray for him to give your relationship a second chance. Don’t pray for him to make things work. Just wake up each day and see the many other things in life. True enough, we may want that chance to make right the mistakes we made while we were in a relationship…but I guess we all have to learn that sometimes, life doesn’t give us second chances. We learn from our mistakes in hope that when we once again reach that crossroad, we will be wiser in our actions.

I’m sorry I wasn’t a good partner. I’m sorry that I over-reacted and lost a great friend(How many people have friends who sit you down for coffee to tell you the truth? I did. And I blew it. )

But i’m glad you’re all happy.

And especially to those who feel pathetic right now. Be strong.
All is fair in love and war.
Don’t blame anyone - not yourself, not anybody.
And when you get a chance to love, love greatly.
And if that chance ain’t there yet…live.
And if the chance ended, well…smile..it was good while it lasted
Live your dream.
Live life.

Carpe Diem