Constructive Deconstruction

Disgusting.

This article is so true. That truth disgusts me.

Would You Dump and NS boy for a Uni Man?

Of course!

Oh, sheathe those claws, boys. Don’t be rude. You would do so if you were in the same position.

Think about it: New environment and you’re all alone; you don’t recognise a single face and you’re worrying how and where to start; your partner can’t understand what you’re facing and it’s hard to explain; and then, you make a new bunch of proximity friends, and it’s so much easier to hang out with them.

Hmmm? That’s not university? That’s national service? Well, well, well, how alarmingly bright you are. And here I was, worrying myself to wrinkles that I might die in the couple of decades you’d take to get it.

So you see, right? Beginning University and starting National Service is almost the same experience. I say "almost" because I know that if I said "the same", all the NS recruits in the country would be swarming over me like a pack of hounds before the night is out. They’d bay for my blood, because I had dared equate the tortures of 24-klik marches under the blazing sun and grimy sweaty trench-digging with "going to school".

"Going to school"? Ha! Now it’s the university students turn to snort. University’s a far cry from primary school where wide-eyed kiddies sweetly share their last piece of keropok with you. Anything precious here is more likely to be tightly wedged between a butt and a chair than shared. It is here you feel the need to find friends fast more than ever. It’s the pack instinct: safety in numbers; comfort and acceptance too.

So, when you’re feeling more than a little vulnerable, you crave comfort, as girls do when they play Moses and bravely face the Red Sea. And we all know that Comfort’s schizo, right, girls?

Sometimes she’s Ben & Jerry’s (gender-crisis), sometimes she’s Cadbury & Hersheys, while other times she’s Paul & Frank. That is, Paul, your 3-year NS boyfriend; and Frank, that guy from your university orientation group.

It’s not that you don’t love Paul. After all, he was the one that gave you your first kiss; he was the one sitting next to you, picking at the miniscule plate of Prom Night food you each paid a bomb of $90 for; he was the fool that queued an hour at MacDonald’s to buy that Hello Kitty toy you wanted, throwing away the McMeal. (SIN! Mistreatment of food! WASTREL!)

But things have changed. It’s not the same anymore, you sniffle delicately. He’s changed. All he wants to do is talk about his water-parades, complain about his officer-in-charge, that time he scrubbed the loo with his platoon, and his buddy (now that really perturbs you).

Frank, on the other hand (literally), is ever so attentive, always there for you, and oh, oh, so understanding…..

Smell the coffee, girl! OF COURSE, he’s understanding! That guy’s in the same university as you! He breathes the same lecture hall air as you, eats the same canteen food as you, sleeps in the library and drools over the same course books as you! It isn’t hard to be understanding when you’re doing all the same things!

No, shut up Frank , I’m not blaming you. I just want Pollyanna here to see how obvious it is that you have the Unfair Advantage in this case. Yes, the UA.

The UA presents itself in every single situation that occurs. Born of the Unfair World, the UA clings on to one party that catches its fancy and allocates them that tad bit more weight to tip the scales in their favour. Intrinsically irrational, UAs choose not by logic, but by pure whim and coincidence.

Coincidence, that he’s at the same stage of life with you, enabling him to be there physically when you need him, to be in the experience with you. If it was based on that alone, Paul would never have had a chance. Why would you choose a partner who can never be there over a partner who always is?

Because you know it’s not Paul’s fault. He didn’t choose not be there. He didn’t choose to be away in Brunei killing chickens and wearing 5 day old underwear when you wanted to talk to someone about your voodoo plans for your slacker project mate.

But you’ve reached a point when you don’t particularly care, you just want someone to be there for you. You know you’ll hurt Paul’s feelings and that bites, but you can’t help being selfish. You want to be selfish. You want what feels best for you.

Now we’re left feeling awfully sorry for Poor Paul and snarling at Frank the Filch. However, if recall what I said earlier, the situation of entering NS and beginning University life being almost the same, what do you think would have happened if Paul started NS with a co-ed company and Pollyanna entered an all-girls University?

Sounds far-fetched? Well, just indulge me and stretch your imaginations thinner. Paul, is now the one with opportunities galore, and Pollyanna? Pollyanna’s the nun.

So, tell me, who is more likely to break up with who?

In a Chanel lipstick case (because a nutshell is so passé), we are all Fortune’s fools. She plays us in situations we have little control over. Live with it.

And all the Pauls out there? Life’s not over. In 2 years time, you’ll be at university, and then, during the orientation camp, you finally get the chance to introduce yourself as " Frank, the name’s Frank."

I got the article from funkygrad btw.

Lonesome Cowboy

It’s been a long time since I reflected. Each time I want to, I’m dead tired. Tonight i’ll make some effort to write at least a few more lines….

You know there’s no denying that there is more to life than work. In fact, there is more to life than friends and family. There is that void that needs to be filled by a special someone. And each time I stop working, that void engulfs me. I never understood why some people became desperate for a girlfriend or a one-night stand or a desperate blind date or something. But I do now.

It’s to fill a void. An emptiness that seems to make you sigh repeatedly. Once again it’s interesting to watch myself. Each time I talk to a girl, either online and offline, i’m going like…"It’s nice talking to her. Maybe I like her. But neah…she won’t like me. At least not that way." Then I wonder, maybe i could ask her for a date. Not exactly a date…but more of a one-evening date. You know? Have coffee, catch a movie perhaps? How about I buy you dinner and send you home? Then that’s it. Nope. No sex. Just an evening of false companionship. And definitely no commitment. I don’t want you hounding my phone or my MSN or asking me if everything’s ok. I just want to flirt with you, make you feel worshipped a bit. And maybe have you play hard to catch with me.

The thought of being able to just enjoy the moment would suffice.

I understand the loneliness.

And as I write that, my eyes are fluttering telling me to sleep because I need to wake up at 4 to prepare for my morning tutorials and perhaps do some work…There is still so much to do….I have to explain to my tutor how I didn’t go for my first tutorial with him because I saw the wrong tutorial group number and I ended going for my first tutorial with another professor. Then I have to settle the server error for the project that i’m working on with darren. Then I need to prepare for this thursday’s programming lab. And plan for next week’s circuit design lab.

I’m starting to work more for splazz and xsmatter. And somehow i feel that i’m leading the pack…and i need to set the example. This year. academic year 06/07. I will be a dean’s lister. and at worst, i will miss it by a point or 2.

Good night.

Thursday Thirteen #4

Thirteen Things that I need to do 1. Sleep - Or rather, adjust my sleep to the right time…i’ve been sleeping at like 4am everyday… 2. Cut my hair - I keep procrastinating this…But my hair is really starting to irritate me. It’s gets really hot and I can’t think straight. 3. Prepare for school - I know everyone’s been saying, cool down but I really need to brush up on my previous semester’s work… 4. Work on a new template for this blog - Enough said. 5. Back up my notebook data - It’s time to backup. The last thing i need is to lose the data on this machine. 6. Clean up my room - I should put up a photo of my room right now. It’s in such a mess, sometimes even I can’t stand it. 7. Set some goals for the coming semester 8. Post more photos on my blog - I really should get the habit of just posting stuff up. 9. Write an entry about how irritating i’m find the middle east crisis to be - I really should do this, but the sheer thought of what i want to write gets me so worked up. Sometimes, I even skip the pages of the newspaper altogether. Peace people! Think peace! More innocents are dying than anything else. 10. Get a haircut - did I say that already? 11. Find a way to fix my airconditioning - Yes, My hair heats up my head and the lack of airconditioning is just heating up everything else. 12. Get my PDA is working order - It’s been out of sync for a long time…bleagh 13. Start writing programming codes for small programs - I should really start using my skills to do more practical work… Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

If today were my last

Today’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy was great. It got me thinking about what I’d want to do if it were my last day…

If I somehow knew that today was my last, there would be a few things i’d like to do.

First, i’d stop work. I wouldn’t even bother sending out an email saying that today was my last.

Then i’d make a phonecall to all my close friends asking them to please grant me this one wish of putting down their work and having lunch with me. It would be at my place - like the usual potluck. Over lunch, we’d talk about all the things we’ve done in the past. Thank them for the time they’ve given me and urge them to continue chasing their dreams, no matter how crazy it is. I’d buy them drinks, shake their hands and even hug them. And i’d hug them and hold them as if I wanted to remember how close our friendship has become. And then we’d smile and part…  

By then it should be mid-afternoon and i’d like to call you up and have a cup of coffee at starbucks, and i’d drink that Java Chip thingy. Coffee would be different, I don’t want to talk. I just want to be in your company while sipping my cup of coffee and staring blankly out the glass window.

Then i’d go home just before the sun set and have dinner with my family. There i’d have the best dinner of my life. It would be rice and fried chicken and stir-fried long beans. and then we’d watch tv and talk a lot. I’d want to talk to them and tell them how much i love them. How much i love them for all the sacrifices that they have made for me. For all the times they’ve given me. and then i’d like to go to my room and turn on the airconditioning. Tidy up my messy table before reading my diary, or diaries rather. I’d want to remember who I was when I was 12 and 16 and 20. I’d want to remember how I felt when I first failed and succeeded at something big, how I felt when a girl first held my hand. My first crush. My first love. My first experience driving in a car. My first time leaving home with my parents.I’d want to remember all that. And i’d want to write my last entry urging those who may read it to live life to its fullest extent.

Because life and dreams are intertwined and the death of one, almost certainly guarantees the death of the other.

And then i’d like to lie on my bed, wrapped under my blanket and picture the days when my father used to tuck me in and tell me stories or just lie there next to me. I’d be afraid of death. But i’d be brave just like my father.

and then i’d feel safe and go to sleep.

And that would be my last day.