Constructive Deconstruction

Because everyday…

October 16, 2006 on 3:21 am | In Reflections | No Comments

I dreamt of you a few days ago. I dreamt that we were at some house and we were watching television. I dreamt that you wanted me. I dreamt that something was going so terribly in your life that you just wanted me to say that I love you. I dreamt that in that awkward moment that you were throwing yourself at me, and me pushing you away…your mother walked in. We were stumped, I was asked to leave. And while you were trying to explain things to your mother, i dreamt that we were sitting around the dinner table and I was having a nice conversation with your father.

I dreamt of you. And today when you approached me online, I missed you like I always have. But i missed you more because it reminded me how far apart we’ve grown. I no longer know what questions to ask you - whether it would be too personal or not. I no longer knew if asking you to eat chocolate ice-cream would be a therapy to make you happy - do you still like chocolate ice-cream from ben and jerry’s perhaps?

I don’t know you anymore. Yet, it saddens me greatly to know that you seem to be more lost about yourself now than when we were together. You left me for the better didn’t you? How could you forget who you are? I thought I made you do that….Don’t make that mistake again cat. Not now. Not ever. You have to be that cheerful girl that i remember, you have to be that helpful girl that tried too hard to please everyone. You have to be excited at the prospect of being able to teach people and make them happy and one day be able to see the world.

I know it’s too much to ask for…but you have to because that’s the catharine i remember. Cheerful. Happy. Helpful. Hopeful. Bright. Smart. Witty. Giggly.
And I know I fell in love with the catharine inside….Thinking of you, and talking to you on MSN after so long made me smile just now, much like how a little boy who gets a chance to talk to a crush he’s been eyeing for so long…

And no matter who you’re with today, or tomorrow.
You have to be happy. You have the right to be happy.
You have the right to demand to be loved.

Because you’re you.
And everyday I still love you
and every moment, i’m missing you.