Constructive Deconstruction

Soliloquy

Ridz: It’s 1.20am…and i’m not done studying yet…and honestly, I don’t feel like it.

Ridzuan: Yeah. So?

Ridz: I don’t know. I guess I was looking for some kind of validation and encouragement by telling you that…Like say, "It’s ok…I understand. But c’mon, it’s the last paper."

Ridzuan: You’re pathetic you know that? For all the crap you spew, you’re really crap.

Ridz: I know that most of them time. You think I don’t know that? You think it’s easy being me trying to do so many things on my own?

Ridzuan: Well, you crap out when the going gets tough don’t you? It all started with that busted knee don’t you think? That really blew your ego didn’t it, to admit defeat and have to nod your head to shitheads with bars and crabs on their shoulders . Since then, look at yourself your lousy excuse for a shithead - you’ve lost everything. How many friends are still bitching with you? They’re all probably bitching about you now. now now, don’t blame them because you distanced yourself from all of them. Your self-defeating "I’m not good enough for you" attitude probably contributed to your great loss. Losing your first love is big shit isn’t it? It’s still affecting you even now isn’t it? You think your ideal valued life is the way to go don’t you? Well wake up asswipe and smell the damn roses. Everyone’s got it tough. Everyone’s lost a first love. Everyone else who has friends, probably has friends who bitch about them behind their backs. You think you have it worse? You’re afraid to fail aren’t you?

Well listen up kid, you said it yourself…Anyone can get anything if they want it bad enough. Do you want whatever it is you want badly enough?

Ridz: Yeah.

Ridzuan: Good. Then shut up and suck it up.

Stories from Shanghai

Another piece i’m storing here….I didn’t finish it…I fell asleep while typing it…we missed our flight you see and had to wait for something like 12 hours or something…
———————————————-
They say you could capture a moment in a picture. From the person’s expression to his gesures. But I think you can capture a moment in words. In fact, if you do it right…you capture everything - the emotion. The emotional moment. ANd I shall attempt to capture that…

…The moment when I first met her…
There she was behind the glass window. She stood there with her friends. After what must have been an eternity, we figured we’d step through the glass and share the warmth of the room…And in that time, we introduced ourselves and shook hands. Yes. We shook hands. For that brief moment, everything else became immaterial. Her voice mesmerised me. The touch of her hand struck me deep - it was firm but it was gentle at the same time. You know how you get that feeling when you have something lodged in your chest yet you can’t really put a finger on what it is? Yeah that was it. In a desperate attempt to get a grip on myself, I must have stuttered out my name "Ridz" with my "R" being rather incomprehensible…But that was it. In that moment I found her, I already knew I was going to lose her. Her fingers loosened the grip and in about the same time length of time that it took me to lose-my-breath and breathe, it was over. She stood behind an invisible wall. In fact, two. While the first one would be broken down with friendship…the second was one I erected. A wall that was meant to defend and protect - me. How do you allow a heart to love when love had broken it into a thousand pieces before? Be happy that it didn’t break into a million? Haha. Not funny.

Cleaning my computer…

By that I mean…i’m re-arranging my computer folders and deleting out unused files and stuff…

I chanced upon some random writing I did while I was waiting for my return flight when I was in Shanghai earlier this year…I want to delete the file to reduce clutter…so i’ll use my blog to store the piece…( haha, yes, so now blog has become a storeroom…lol)

For Cathy…hope you’re doing fine….
————————-

Like a little boy he walked into an unknown place - He spoke not their language and he recognised nothing. Yet with a recently renewed sense of adventure he ventured into that mass of bodies that were swarming the entire space. They stopped for nothing, shoving and hurling loud insults in the air.

What would the person I’d like to be tomorrow do in the position I am today?

brennan pwned

I just watched episode 4 of blogtv.sg where they invited missizzy and brennan to slug it out over the issue of brennan attacking missizzy’s accent in episode 1.

Truth be told, I thought it was quite funny(brennan’s video) until i actually saw him on the show. It turned out that the accent he used on his videos(i thought they were meant for comic relief) was actually how he spoke. And for him to say something like that about miss izzy was well…inappropriate. His accent is definitely not a Singaporean accent that I can identify with…

But in all that, she had a point in saying how we always make fun of people we think are putting on a fake accent…that it might not be a mere joke to them. Shall be more conscious of this…

On the flipside…i think brennan was pwned. He couldn’t provide proper justifications for his "accent"-related opinions…he just agreed with with everything ‘to some extent’. And it seemed like he couldn’t look at miss izzy in the eye when replying…haha

He should’ve been more honest though and just say that he does much of it simply to get the audience…and it’s no big secret that tabloids and stuff really just capitalise on whatever ‘hot’ topics or ‘hot’ jokes that are around…

Oh well…the blogging world moves on…

Cute Video

kids are so cute, it’s making me wonder if the malls will have any for the xmas sale…

feeling woozy

i had what i think is a good night’s sleep…heh, and the irritation from yesterday is gone…

but then somehow, i’m feeling rather weird. It’s like my high feels like it’s in some kind of ‘high’…like it’s floating. Not just when i’m walking but when i’m sitting down…

Heh, maybe I should lie down again…

irritating

it’s irritating the crap out of me that the one person that fits the profile and I want to work with to build up xsmatter as an organisation is my ex…and she’ll think i’m just trying to make a pass at her or something…

It’s damn irritating don’t you think that you can’t seem to find anyone else that bothers? I’m beginning to think i’m not demanding enough.

Irritating having to talk to people about xsmatter and then end up saying, "Oh yeah…but right now, it’s mostly just me."

What kind of a fuggin organisation/think tank is that?

On the up side, i think I should be a tad bit happy that my former teacher(who’s now resigned from service) likes the idea and even wants to come for the next chillout…I think it’s time I formed some partnerships with the local organisations…

But i still my own damned team. frig.

For an old friend…

Been there.

Have you ever been so angry that you want nothing more than to lose control?

Be swept away by an ocean current? Face your final fear? Look at everything you that has ever made you scared and you challenge it? Have you ever burn with that kind of anger that you could never fail, you can only perservere. You can only get stronger. That kind of anger is what turns lace into leather, turns the prey into hunters. Makes a heart harden like steel, bleed and softened. If the only passion you know turns against you. If your mind and your heart fails you. What else are you to know, but the anger that could keep from fighting sin, from fighting fear, what other choice is laid into your hands but to turn your struggles to a war?
I got that from someone’s blog…It was interesting how accurate that description is. how I wanted nothing more than to just act without thought and to will that against everything that I was afraid of. how, yes, when i realised that my mind and my heart had failed me and my passion lost, i knew nothing else.

Yet, I did not lose control completely. I had the last drops of sanity to know what had to be lost. And now I have this sinking feeling that I may have killed someone in that choatic moment. Yes, someone.

Inside of me. Me.

Exams Exams

I got this from Jasmine’s blog:

First one that’s already accomplished was reading - although for free at Borders. It was a book about the top creative minds in Singapore in the Ad industry and what inspires them, what their ethos is. And I’m glad to know that they don’t live by some obscure, beyond mortal minds philosophy. They just keep their minds open. It really isn’t true that we close our minds to things. Most of the time we’re quite receptive to new ideas, technologies, attitudes and mindsets. "Receptive" being the operative word here. Without being fed information or told of a new perspective, most of us are quite happy just not knowing or not having an opinion. The way to open our minds is to continually reach out to the world and be inspired by anything and everything. Imagine if we get so used to hooking unrelated things up and creating new ideas, seeing things in a totally whacked way, "creativity" will come in an instant! Brainstorm sessions will be a thing of the past because it happens over lunch, in meetings, while waiting for a bus, all the time! What a brilliant and exciting place the world would be to live in. Think about it - ideas that excite you - perpetually!

It made me think about how malcolm and Ivan and me talk. We’re always…always…talking about new things and new ways of doing things and new way of approaching ideas(even if we’re not going to do all of them)…

Haha