Constructive Deconstruction

Sorrow

What is sorrow I thought to myself…

Sorrow is not a bad thing. It’s just that a piece of you died and it’s still right where you left it…

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I chatted with Cat last night and met fish and tk today.

I only realised how much my perception of a relationship has changed. I’ve always known it’d changed…but now…i Know. I’ve become that kind of bastard I loathe.

Or maybe…i now understand that maybe they’re not so bastardly afterall…they all must have their stories too…

Next Year…

Next year is going to be a terribly exciting year.

The results will be out in like 2 days. I’m hoping I cleared everything. I don’t really care about whether I did well, but boy do I want to clear them..It’s like I’m pretty sure I know what the modules are about and i’ll know where to reference to if I come across such theories…

Anyway, back to the top…next year is going to be terrible exciting. Why? Because there are so many things that will be happening. For one, in the early part of the year, XSMatter will most likely become XSMatter Pte Ltd and a string of things will go from there…

That coupled with my the workload for Year 2 Sem 2, i’m really wondering if I can cope. I know everyone is asking me the same question. Maybe it’s a rebellious little creature inside me or something but I’m refusing to delay my plans…

I’m really unhealthy now. I can feel my health deteriorating. I’m not as agile as I was. I’m not as alert as I was. I can’t run as far. And one worrying this is sometimes my knees kinda ‘lock’. They suddenly give me this sharp pain in the knees that hurts even more if i move it. It’s like hinges that are not well oiled and squeeks when you move em.

Is this entry supposed to be a prelude to my list of resolutions or something? i think so…but in the meantime, i’ve got work to do…and so…

I’m off~! Tata~!

4.55am

I’ve been thinking about cathy ever so often. But today was it…I kinda miss talking to her actually although our last real conversation(other than the one today) must have been half a year ago.

But honestly, how can this be? I met her for less then a week in a country that’s like so far away(Shanghai, China), spent less than 6 hours talking to her in total, watched her have feelings for my friend(and watch my friend have feelings for her too although he eventually stayed on with his girlfriend), spent half the time trying to get to not be so shy about her excellent english..and now expect me to trust this feeling?

Ok ok. So some people have been knocking stuff into my head and tell me to wake up and accept the remote possibility that this has a chance..Kelvin Quee, i don’t think you read this…but boy were you blunt…haha

"she’s likes you. at least a little, you know that." -KQ

I might just skype her one of these days bro…Really makes me wonder why she got skype several months back when i told her about it…was it a hint to get me to call? ( of which i never did…haha ) Reading hints, whether to stay or to go, must be one the toughest stuff ever. Girls should be more direct…makes things so much easier.

Here we go again…

A Splashy Orange for Me

I was in a melancholic state when I wrote my previous entry. I was in Sembawang Coffee Bean gazing out the glass window, into the rain watching them smash the ground mercilessly.

Once the entry was published. I decided. Break out of this shit. I shut down my laptop and went upstairs to catch "Flags of our Fathers". I wanted to ask malcolm but his phone was off i think and nothing would stop me from watching it there and then. haha. It was a great show. A bit slow but it reminded me that at the end of the day we do many great things for much simpler reasons. And sometimes, only we understand how important those simple reasons.

But I think the pick-me-up came after I bought 2 spanking new notebooks(no, i don’t mean laptops.) One is this black one with thick bold red "LOVE" on one side and another is a thinner book with the words, "FSCK IT" . I intend to use em for charting down new ideas - one for splazz(FSCK IT) and the other for XSMatter.

After that, I work started falling into place. And things started coming into perspective.

Ridz is back. again.
Yay~!

Random Dose of Incoherent Thoughts

The rain hasn’t stopped for a very long time now…I can’t seem to remember when it started. Come to think of it, i’ve been forgetting a lot of things lately. The worse was yesterday morning…

I received a text message from darren about a new meeting time and stuff and i composed the reply…I think I sent the reply. But I can’t remember. In any case, less than a minute after I think I sent it, i wasn’t sure if I sent it. So i re-composed the message and sent it again…How does one forget something in seconds? I must be growing old…

Was talking to Jenn online yesterday and telling her my spate of detached feelings. I’ve been feeling really detached lately. Hah. What she said sounded weird but it seemed rather apt, come to think of it.

"you’re really the kinda guy who’s looking for that soulmate to complete him i think"

soulmate. It sounds like a word out of a fairytale. Like ‘match made in heaven’. Like ‘an angel with wings’. Like a episode where two people walk in the rain together laughing and making fun of each other until they’re all spent and they sit under a bridge. Like something that’s imagined.

I think i’m growing up. The brutal realities of life are finally seeping into my bloodstream. And just like the bitter black coffee that i’m sipping at right now, it tastes somewhat dark but it keeps you alive. Its like this weird concoction of bitter-dream mix.

Oh well.

C’est la vie.

Reflection in the darkness

I used to sleep alone…I had this smurf plushie that was my best friend. We used to hang out in the corner of my room playing together. All sorts of things. My dad used to read to me and make me say a prayer every night before we went to bed. We’d say the prayer together.

Then I had my brothers. We used to play spaceship and soldier stuff together. I remember how its like when you fold your mattress in two and prop it against the wall and then it becomes like some kind of bunker or something and we’d spend all night fighting aliens and the enemy and all. And when I got really tired, i’d use the same excuse. I’d get shot…and i’d never recover(fall asleep).

And then we started growing up. And we became different. All of us. I became an independent thinker. What I did, I did for me. My brothers became more influenced by the hip and trendy…yet they stayed at home more. They understood what was happening at home. I remember once in secondary school my brother shouted at me when we were arguing and he said, "You don’t even know what’s happening at home."

And now i sit here on my bed in almost darkness. And i’m burdened by so many things. work and emotion and family and studies and everything. And all i want is for someone, anyone, to be right here next to me holding me and telling me it’ll be ok. To tell me that it’s tough but it’ll all work out fine. and maybe just hug me and tell me a story with a happy ending. And maybe…just maybe…say a prayer.

I’m feeling so lonely.
i miss the world i once lived in.
I miss the life I once had.
I miss having someone i can call no matter what time of day, or for whatever reason.

I don’t want to be so independent. I don’t just want to stand on my own.

Thinkpads are good…

I’m quite impressed by the thinkpads ability to not-overheat despite long hours of usage…i’ve been using for what must be 8 hours(yesterday it was on for like 16hours) but still there’s bare a trace of warmth. In fact, the portable modem is already pretty hot…heh

Good piece of machinery this thing

3am

It’s 3am and somewhere at the back of my head it signals the end of my one week self declared break from work(Exams ended exactly one week ago).

So what’s up from tomorrow onwards? Well…tomorrow…I’m going to kick off the day with a meeting with Darren and the League of Entrepreneurs committee. We’re planning a NTC Minor Programme Year-End Party for the 23 December! It’s agenda…pure fun. So yeah, if you’re reading this…Keep that evening free! Catered BBQs! And tons of people! And if you’re lucky, we might be able to get a band in! yay!

After that, i’ll probably rush home to do some housework before my parents return at night. Let’s see…i’ve got to clean up my room, dry the dishes, clean up the living room, dining room, kitchen…did I miss anything?

Once I’m done with that, it’s a rush back to NTU for a focus group discussion on Muslims and the News or something. I’m not so sure really…but they’re giving me an incentive of like 50bucks..plus i’m helping Esther out so I think it’s pretty cool. Heh, when she called me i thought it was to ask me for coffee or something…haiz. But oh well…everyone’s busy I suppose. I guess I’m jealous that when they’re socialising, i’m not one of those they invite. C’est la vie.

Anyway, once i’m done with the focus group…it’s off to the airport to pick my parents up. Haven’t seen them for an entire week…I think i’m all ready to live on my own now! haha. I just have to learn to love to do 3 things…

1. Do laundry(I have no idea how to tell which ones have colours that run)
2. Iron clothes(this takes a hell lot of time!)
3. Wash the toilet( Did in army…Can’t do it now..why?)

Oh well…from tomorrow onwards, i’ll be back in blogging action on xsmatter as well as on the splazz blog. First up tomorrow…read newspapers again! =)

Good night people!

Testing out my new device

I’m in sembawang coffee bean trying out my new M1 broadband device. I got the 384Kbps plan so it’s not exactly the fastest connection but it’s decent enough to allow me to surf, chat, check mails, send out mails, watch a few youtube videos so i’m not complaining yet…We’ll see how it goes…But it’s pretty darn cool now that I can surf from anywhere now…

Thankfully the sun plaza m1 branch has so few people…the one at bukit batok was super packed…

Ciaoz

Warning.

I don’t know you. But it seems you know quite a bit about me, and my family. And it seems you’re making serious threats to my family.

Now, i’ll be honest with you. I don’t who you are. I don’t know how exactly much you know. But if you get here, and you’re reading this. Then yes, this is for you.

I am warning you to stay away from my entire family. Settle. If you want, we meet, we settle it one time…If you harm anyone, i’ll tell you what’s going to happen. I’ll drop all my plans - school & work - and I will find you. And I will find everyone who’s working for you. And I will find your family. And I will taste their blood.

From what I know, you sound like an educated person. But if you cannot understand me, i’ll make it simple for you.

You don’t disturb my family, I don’t disturb yours. If you do, i’ll kill your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, your wife, your girlfriends, your children.
…I can find you.