Constructive Deconstruction

Disappointment

Why is it that i’m disappointed by him doubting me…?

Maybe I got too close…proximity always leads to disappointment. I should have learnt that already.

Crappy.

You know what’s the crappiest thing that can happen?
It’s when you spent weeks working on a document…and 12 hours before you meet the client…
You lose it.

Argh. I lost a development document.

…and I still have tutorial to prepare for…argh

I am on a roll~!

Dear Life,

Hell yeah.

Try and stop me! Throw me everything you’ve got. I’m not going down. Not now. Not yet. Everything’s going too well for me to give up. I’m living on a never-ending clock cycle. I’m living with a to-do list that’s so long that I sometime’s don’t look at it anymore. You give me so many projects that I want to just not bother about them.

But no. That’s not what i’m gonna do.

I’ve got great working partners. I’ve got great friends. I’ve got a great family. I’ve got so many opportunities. I’m blessed with the courage to step up to the plate and make decisions based on what I think is right. I’m blessed with the courage to not let the judgement of others affect me. I’m blessed with the vision to care about what goes on beyond the horizon.

I’ve got too many good things going my way.

And if you’re going to press me down. I’m only going to rise up higher. Stronger. Wiser. Harder.

And you know what Mr. Life?

I’m going to spread the love. I’m going to go far across the seas to spread the passion for living…for dreaming.

And when my time is up…you’ll remember us all as the ones who made a difference - The ones who had the guts to change the world.

So c’mon. Show me what you’ve got. I’ll show you everything I have…and more.

Yours,
Ridz

Protected: Letting the weight go…

Doesn’t make sense.

I mean…It’s one thing if you develop a crush when you meet someone…but before you even see who she is? Kaoz….doesn’t make sense.

But, nevertheless…I’m still madly in that state. haha.

But here’s the good news: The past did not catch up on me this time. Maybe I’ve beaten it…I’ll find out in a few days…I always find out in a few days…

Random Thoughts

Word-of-the-day : Smitten
So much work.
Scared.
Fear.
I think I like blog entries made up of one-liners.
I’m so tired of being tired.
How?
Do you know what the difference between a MicroController and a MicroProcessor? I do. Haha.
I want to be a glorified nerd.
I want to be batman with the cool gadgets.
Can I wake up late tomorrow?
If I tell myself that I can skip just one class…would I end up being addicted to it?
"Dont try ridz. You’ll end up skipping the semester."
Dance. Dance. Dance. I want to dance in the solace of my little room.
I want someone to hold
To talk to
To share my life with.
Got people who’ll bother meh?
I’m going back to AJ to see Ms Siau on friday evening. So excited.
It’s so nice to only be a student.
I feel old.
Older that I actually am at least.
I watched homosexual monkeys on Discovery too. Specifically…lesbian monkeys…in Japan.
Gee…even female monkeys don’t care about males….
How do you master the concept of databases?
How do I contribute back to the world?
How do I save my brother?
When will grow up?…and when will I go through childhood again?
Are you actually reading this?
I’m on my bed now. I forgot to turn the aircon on…but
i’m too lazy to go to the remote…
Sheesh.
I actually spent like an hour trying to look for the torrent for her.
Couldn’t find it. haha. My pirate skills are going down.
I so want to ask her out.
No guts.
Sheesh…again.
Sometimes I feel so tired of living.
Other times, i can’t wait to step out of the house to face Life.
And sometimes
I just wanna lay down and watch the stars
or watch the sunrise
or take a walk
But…the picture is still incomplete.
I still feel empty.
I’m moving too fast.
so fast that i’m all alone.
and I don’t know where I am.
I scared shitless.
I need a hug.
…
Suck it up ridz.
suck
it
up.

….*sobz*

oh man…
my heart skipped a beat when i saw her today…

Stressed.

i’m very stressed.

Good night.

2.13am

This week has been a nice week. I unofficially took time off from work and just focused on trying to be a student - getting my facts about the semester’s requirements right and spending time with the friends that I should be spending more time with…It’s been like getting close to dream. And now waking up and being in that state of pseudo-awareness.

Today was Zhaike’s birthday and it was nice to be part of the mini-celebration thing. You know it would be really cool to be in their clique(Actually any clique would be cool I guess). But I especially think their clique is cool because they have such a range of people. JC and Poly students. Singaporeans, Malaysians, PRCs. Even their characters are so diverse. But they stick together. That feeling of going through something big in your life with a group of people is a feeling that is not something I get anymore…

I know it’s very pathetic to be in this state of melancholy yet I can’t help but wish for some things in my life to be different. I wish I could walk this path with people who actually understand how I feel. People who know who I really am. My fears, my vulnerabilities. The innermost me is someone that is so reclusive that sometimes I wonder if i’m even real.

I was on the bus with mag leaving campus and…I’m not sure why…but i started talking about how I do this for family, friends(people I care about) and sacrifice and how I can only hope that I’m doing the right thing. Hah, At some point…i swear, I thought I wanted to tear about it. Haha. Madness.

Have my emotions become so self-contained that i’m simply imploding?

Sometimes I wish I never tasted love.

What the fuck am I talking about? I dunno la. I’m just feeling damn pathetic right now. 2.34am. i think i’ve reached that stage where I wake up from a nice dream…and finally realise that it was a dream.

Good night.

NTU, Day 3

So i’m into my 3rd morning of school. I’m blogging from home because class doesn’t start still 10.30 and i’ll only have to be in school at 9.45 to meet someone i’m buying a textbook from…

It’s been tiring just listening to the module introductions. The scope of work of this semester is extremely huge. The time commitments are beyond what I have imagined it to be and the difficulty of the semester is shocking.

For those who can understand…i’ll be taking 7modules or 26AUs worth of modules. Of these 7, 4 have labs(some weekly). And of the 4, 3 have projects. My timetable will keep me shuffling between the lab, the tutorial room and the lecture theatre from 8.30am to 4.30pm on 3 days of the 5 day work week. And on Thursdays(the one day I tried to keep free) a nice lecturer is actually going to hold "Active Lectures" from 5.30pm onwards.

Honestly, i’m quite afraid of this semester. But, I keep reminding myself of all the situational simulations that I have gone through. Situational simulations? You know the stuff when you go through a course or a camp that simulates extreme pressure by keeping you awake for what must be 3 or 4 days in a row and expect you to produce some piece of work or achieve some objective? Army was one such thing. The Minor in Entrepreneurship was another. The work that i’ve been doing is the best example I can choose(although that’s not training…that’s real experience). Anyway, back to it…Things are always toughest just before they get easier. Same goes for this degree that i’m pursuing…this semester is said to be the semester of attrition - it separates the ones who can from the ones who cannot.

I can…I hope.