Constructive Deconstruction

Just So You Know

January 2, 2007 on 4:30 am | In Lyrics, Uncategorized | No Comments

by Jesse McCartney

I shouldn’t love you but I want you
I just can’t turn away
I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move
I can’t look away

I shouldn’t love you but I want you
I just can’t turn away
I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move
I can’t look away

And I don’t know how to be fine when I’m not
‘Cause I don’t know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling’s taking control of me
And I can’t help it
I won’t sit around, I can’t let him win now
Thought you should know
I’ve tried my best to let go of you
But I don’t want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It’s getting hard to be around you
There’s so much I can’t say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don’t know how to be fine when I’m not
‘Cause I don’t know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]

This emptiness is killing me
And I’m wondering why I’ve waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I’m waiting here…been waiting here

[Chorus]

Looking back at 2006

January 2, 2007 on 4:16 am | In Uncategorized | 1 Comment

2006.
I’m not sure if it was a good year or not. Academically, it was a year where I re-thought my priorities and figured that the super grade A was not what I was after. What I really wanted to achieve out of university was to graduate on time and to build relations with people. I also figured that it would be the best time to leverage on the campus facilities and programmes to kickstart my career. So yup. After being an above average Singaporean student, i’m now a below average student…academically that is.

Business. What was formerly known as CyberSpace@Excalibur became Splazz Solutions Pte Ltd in June 2006. With it, Malcolm was officially roped in to handle the financial matters and Ivan being our strategic consultant. With that, we have a complete team to handle the company holistically. I’d say that we’re still struggling to niche ourselves but looking back at the past 6 months, we’re definitely in better shape today than we were yesterday.

XSMatter on the other hand has been struggling with the editorial content. With the permanent writers being Ivan and myself, the content being published has been irregular with lapses of months sometimes. This is has not been good but i’ve had great difficulty trying to find someone who remotely shares the purpose of XSMatter…except for Darren(who is busier than I am so I don’t want him to be writing either). Amongst the lessons learnt here is that writing commentaries takes a lot of time. It also takes a certain patience to research, analyse and then to form solid entries that look at the issue holistically so as to provide a sound argument, or opinion. It’s even more difficult if you want to publish an alternative viewpoint….

Life.
Life has not been very kind. In a scary kind of way, i’ve grown up a lot in 2006. I’ve shed a lot of my old self to become someone that I barely recognise sometimes. The truth is, i’ve been struggling to get over cat and I keep swinging between knowing that I have…and then suddenly being reminded that I haven’t. This really sucks. I’ve learnt here that love is no trivial affair no matter how you look at it. It’s a force that is capable of driving people to great lengths to achieve or destroy unimaginable objectives. From wars to suicides…love often has a great role.

I’ve grown more worried about how my family will be in a few more years. I’ve grown to become impatient to take over the financial responsibilities that my father currently shoulders. He deserves to be relieved of that responsibility. It is with this purpose that I think 2007 will be the year that this might happen…in part if not in full.

Of the things that i’ve become most worried about over 2006 is how I’ve become detached from people. From the way I look at relationships to friendships…everything has become very…cynical…very selfish. I’ve had conversations with friends and it showed me what I had become…

“I want a girl that will be there only when I want her to be there. When i’m busy…i’d like to just buzz off.”

“Oh…that girl? Neah…I just ignore her. I don’t want her to get the wrong impression. Plus i think she’s…emotionally high maintenance. I can afford that…but she’s not worth it. Not to me at least.”

…

Yeah. That was my 2006. Pathetic but true.
I’ll write about 2007 tomorrow or when I’m free…

P.S. Jenna found me! I swear, Jenna if you’re reading this…One day we’ll have to meet…I’ll either go over to the US or you’re just going to have to fly down to Singapore…We seriously have to stop this lost and found pattern. Haha! It’s been 3 times over the past 2 years! haha