Constructive Deconstruction

Questions

I forget why I keep a blog and a personal diary sometimes.

I tell myself that the best parts of my life - the parts that involve life changing questions - should be kept in my diary to serve as a permanent reminder for me in the future when i’m older and possibly senile or arrogant enough to forget the simpler, yet probably more important, lessons life teaches me. Yet, as I look at it now, the entries there are spaced months apart, often marked by huge life tragedies.

Why is that I’ve become lazy and resorted to this blog? Is it because this blog gives me traffic? Is it because I can type faster than I can write? Is it because I know someone would read my thoughts and would subsequently engage me with it? Is it because someone who reads my sorrow might catch me on MSN and go, "Hey, everything alright?" Have I grown to long for attention?

I’ve grown increasingly quiet these past couple of years. Ever since I went to the army, I’ve become afraid of ‘disobeying orders’ and be taken away from those whom I love. Having seen the myriad of reasons they ‘use’ to just destroy the lives of innocent people, i have this notion that if I offend someone with enough cruelty points, i’d get botak-ed and end up thrown in the slammer. Of course, this doesn’t help when my mom makes a huge fuss each time an "ON GOVERNMENT SERVICE" letter comes by the mail. ( Although I appreciate it because it gives a sense of urgency to things. )

What has become of that passionate, idealistic, decisive and confident boy that used to be? Well ok. Passionate and idealistic I still am. But decisive and confident? I question my moves more than I question those of others. I’ve spent countless nights lying awake wondering where those parts of me were killed and it’s only as I write this that I realise i’ve been spending too much time looking for something to blame - something to just justify the perpetuation of this problem. I really should just be looking forward. Easier said than done though.

Moving away from my ‘insides’, VillageTalk was quite the success that I was hoping to achieve although the formula still needs a lot of tweaking. I was pleasantly surprised when some people came up to me telling me how they wanted to be invited for the next one. The subsequent blog entries by some of the bloggers regarding the event and the flurry of entries about ‘chasing dreams’ also signalled to me that I got something right. I really believe that people should chase their dreams because it a person’s dream that defines them. But now, I feel a weight on my shoulders that i haven’t felt in a long time - I’ve created something that inpired some people. And in that inspiration i’ve taken on the responsibility that I do not just allow people to just dream irresponsibly - that I don’t allow these people to just jump blindly into their dreams and get burnt. Failed idealists make the worst cynics. This I guess would mean that I will have to involve myself in a lot things on the background. How exactly I’ll do that, i’m not sure yet. I’m also not sure how to sort out the mess that I’ve left myself to sort because I started this whole thing without proper lines. But it’ll get done eventually, that I know. That’s the beauty of chaos…it eventually sorts itself out.

And so I reach the end of my entry, i scroll all the way up, re-read everything I wrote and realise that this should really be in my diary.

I forget why I keep a blog and a personal diary sometimes.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday old friend
it’s been such a long time
Hope you’re doing fine…

Have a blast of a day~!

A slow day

it’s a relatively slow day today. I slept late…i think at 5.30am. I kinda slept with the lights on…and was suddenly awaken at 6.20am when my mom barged in an scolded me for leaving the lights on. I was stuck between feeling angry that she wrecked my sleep and sorry for actually making that mistake. Bleagh

But well, i continued doing some work before heading straight back to bed.

It’s been quite an eventful week with many things happening. I think the highlight for the past two weeks was going out with Steph. It’s been a really long time since I just went out with someone for a play or performance and just bummed around. I mean there’s ping.sg meetups but those have so many people you sometimes don’t get the quality of interaction when it’s just with one or two people. She’s a pretty cool girl i think…Haha…reminds me of what some viewer said about Ugly Betty…"She grows on you" - which is a good thing. I need more friends. lol

Had supper at the spur of the moment with Uzyn, Sekling, CJ and DK a couple of nights ago. You know, ping.sg must be the one thing i’m pretty thankful for this year. It’s been a community where i’ve finally been able to just hang out and have fun with…people who don’t really give a crap about what you do because everyone’s just so different. The diversity is something that’s accepted - not like in school where just because you’re doing something different makes you not normal.

I really like that feeling of being accepted and yet be able to be who I want to be.

Coffee Jealousy

Had a great time at Geek Terminal today…
Danny the barista Rocks!

P.S. I could have posted other pictures, but I’m doing an experiment to see if Tstar will get jealous.

Disclaimer: There is nothing between Tstar and me. There is also nothing between Jasmine and me. And Jasmine and Tstar don’t know each other. LoL

Don’t Piss DK Off.

5am temptations

I think maybe it’s the last minute exam stress talking…but as of right now…this looks really tempting….

…Imagine what I could with one entire free semester…

Why are you in school?

It’s silent right now. The only sounds that permeate the room are the clicking sounds of my keyboard, the low whizzing of the harddisk and the air that’s from the air-conditioner.

I sit here in front of my laptop with a thick stack of notes by my side and wonder what my purpose is. I’ve never done anything without a purpose that I believed in. From simple things like reading(which I enjoy) to more complex things like learning(or choosing a course). I’ve never done anything simply for it’s sake.

Yet now, more and more I feel disconnected from that part of me. I can feel the growing expectation for me to study, graduate and bring money on the table for the family. And I can feel myself growing even passionately in the work that I do…and this is causing me to wonder yet again why i’m in the course that I am in…or in university for the matter. Much of what I am doing right now, i’ve had to learn on my own by picking up books, courses or simply devouring pockets of information on the web. Even when it comes to areas like software or web application development, much of what I talk about is completely alien to my coursemates.

I can’t focus on studying this course when i don’t feel for it. It’s ironic how I chose to go into Computer Engineering based on a very logical reason - I need to go through a structured course for me to understand the jargon and the ways of the industry so that I can better grasp it’s potential. Now, I’ve come to realise that I don’t want to know how the industry works. I don’t want to conform to norms that are just that. I want to create, to invent to do something new because it’s more satisfying. Because the thrill and eventual accomplishment of creating not just a product but an entire system of operation(while everyone looks at you with that "Can he really pull it off"-look) is beyond any measurable standards.

And with that thought sitting right atop my head, I find it difficult to stay focused on just earning the required academic credits.

What drives you to go to school? What drives you to go through the course you go through now?

I’d like to know…because i’m not sure why i’m in school anymore. And I don’t just want to do it because of that hope that sits at the back of my parents’ eyes…