Constructive Deconstruction

5am temptations

I think maybe it’s the last minute exam stress talking…but as of right now…this looks really tempting….

…Imagine what I could with one entire free semester…

Why are you in school?

It’s silent right now. The only sounds that permeate the room are the clicking sounds of my keyboard, the low whizzing of the harddisk and the air that’s from the air-conditioner.

I sit here in front of my laptop with a thick stack of notes by my side and wonder what my purpose is. I’ve never done anything without a purpose that I believed in. From simple things like reading(which I enjoy) to more complex things like learning(or choosing a course). I’ve never done anything simply for it’s sake.

Yet now, more and more I feel disconnected from that part of me. I can feel the growing expectation for me to study, graduate and bring money on the table for the family. And I can feel myself growing even passionately in the work that I do…and this is causing me to wonder yet again why i’m in the course that I am in…or in university for the matter. Much of what I am doing right now, i’ve had to learn on my own by picking up books, courses or simply devouring pockets of information on the web. Even when it comes to areas like software or web application development, much of what I talk about is completely alien to my coursemates.

I can’t focus on studying this course when i don’t feel for it. It’s ironic how I chose to go into Computer Engineering based on a very logical reason - I need to go through a structured course for me to understand the jargon and the ways of the industry so that I can better grasp it’s potential. Now, I’ve come to realise that I don’t want to know how the industry works. I don’t want to conform to norms that are just that. I want to create, to invent to do something new because it’s more satisfying. Because the thrill and eventual accomplishment of creating not just a product but an entire system of operation(while everyone looks at you with that "Can he really pull it off"-look) is beyond any measurable standards.

And with that thought sitting right atop my head, I find it difficult to stay focused on just earning the required academic credits.

What drives you to go to school? What drives you to go through the course you go through now?

I’d like to know…because i’m not sure why i’m in school anymore. And I don’t just want to do it because of that hope that sits at the back of my parents’ eyes…