Constructive Deconstruction

Questions

May 29, 2007 on 5:44 am | In Reflections | 1 Comment

I forget why I keep a blog and a personal diary sometimes.

I tell myself that the best parts of my life - the parts that involve life changing questions - should be kept in my diary to serve as a permanent reminder for me in the future when i’m older and possibly senile or arrogant enough to forget the simpler, yet probably more important, lessons life teaches me. Yet, as I look at it now, the entries there are spaced months apart, often marked by huge life tragedies.

Why is that I’ve become lazy and resorted to this blog? Is it because this blog gives me traffic? Is it because I can type faster than I can write? Is it because I know someone would read my thoughts and would subsequently engage me with it? Is it because someone who reads my sorrow might catch me on MSN and go, "Hey, everything alright?" Have I grown to long for attention?

I’ve grown increasingly quiet these past couple of years. Ever since I went to the army, I’ve become afraid of ‘disobeying orders’ and be taken away from those whom I love. Having seen the myriad of reasons they ‘use’ to just destroy the lives of innocent people, i have this notion that if I offend someone with enough cruelty points, i’d get botak-ed and end up thrown in the slammer. Of course, this doesn’t help when my mom makes a huge fuss each time an "ON GOVERNMENT SERVICE" letter comes by the mail. ( Although I appreciate it because it gives a sense of urgency to things. )

What has become of that passionate, idealistic, decisive and confident boy that used to be? Well ok. Passionate and idealistic I still am. But decisive and confident? I question my moves more than I question those of others. I’ve spent countless nights lying awake wondering where those parts of me were killed and it’s only as I write this that I realise i’ve been spending too much time looking for something to blame - something to just justify the perpetuation of this problem. I really should just be looking forward. Easier said than done though.

Moving away from my ‘insides’, VillageTalk was quite the success that I was hoping to achieve although the formula still needs a lot of tweaking. I was pleasantly surprised when some people came up to me telling me how they wanted to be invited for the next one. The subsequent blog entries by some of the bloggers regarding the event and the flurry of entries about ‘chasing dreams’ also signalled to me that I got something right. I really believe that people should chase their dreams because it a person’s dream that defines them. But now, I feel a weight on my shoulders that i haven’t felt in a long time - I’ve created something that inpired some people. And in that inspiration i’ve taken on the responsibility that I do not just allow people to just dream irresponsibly - that I don’t allow these people to just jump blindly into their dreams and get burnt. Failed idealists make the worst cynics. This I guess would mean that I will have to involve myself in a lot things on the background. How exactly I’ll do that, i’m not sure yet. I’m also not sure how to sort out the mess that I’ve left myself to sort because I started this whole thing without proper lines. But it’ll get done eventually, that I know. That’s the beauty of chaos…it eventually sorts itself out.

And so I reach the end of my entry, i scroll all the way up, re-read everything I wrote and realise that this should really be in my diary.

I forget why I keep a blog and a personal diary sometimes.