Constructive Deconstruction

Whatever!

My Gypsy Blog

I was thinking about how the quality of my writing has deteriorated over the years and i came to realise that i feel less these days. I can’t seem to get in touch with my emotions and when I do, i’m so overwhelmed that i can’t express them in words. This is so unlike the days back in 1999 when I first got my opendiary account.

I still remember getting my first account back in secondary school. I think ‘blogging’ wasn’t even a term back then. It was just, an online diary. There was no wordpress, not even a blogspot. People were still trying to grasp things like html and javascript. I even once had a ‘blog’ that was purely coded out(meaning that my entries were hardcoded). Hosted on sites like geocities, It was nice back then because it was truly a diary. I wrote what I wrote almost knowing that no one would read it. In a way, it had that sense of anonymity yet it provided an avenue where I could somehow make a connection with people. That said, I think that was the time when I was most concerned about identity - using my online pseudonym “EagleOne” and giving various people codenames like “Scarlet” and “Tiffany” to refer to various crushes I had. Haha…I can’t even remember who had what codename now…Eventually it served to document how I felt when I was in JC and how I felt being madly in love with Catharine but not being able to tell her. When the not-being-able-to-tell-her phase passed, I think that was when it moved to become Cuppa Coffee Lovers - which served the time when I was already in a relationship.

And when that ended, I moved - Peaceful Struggles was born. As I grew up and life became seemingly more complicated, I wanted more attention. Yet, I didn’t want an audience. So I started leaking out the address of my blog to my friends. And if you followed me then, Peaceful Struggles II was then born for reasons even I can’t remember…I must have been trying out a new template or something. haha. But peaceful struggles was at a time when I was trying to make sense of my relationship coming to an end…

And when that phase was over, it was around there that Constructive Deconstruction was born. It’s purpose was, and i’m wondering if it still is, to deconstruct my thoughts, my values, my ’self’ and put it into perspective such that I could re-contruct myself to become the me that I want to be. And it was here that I joined Ping.sg. And for the first time, I had a real audience. And while I love all the great people that i’ve met through this, I can’t help but think that having this real audience hampers my ability to write freely about myself. There is always that element of,

“What if they question my values when I meet them?”
“Will they think any less of me?”
“Am I being petty? childish? immature?”
“Will they accept me?”

The sudden self-consciousness is great. And the need to balance the desire to satisfy the attention-seeking ego versus the private little person that just wants to reflect becomes a mountainous task.

It is through this entry that I find myself asking

“What is the purpose of me keeping this blog?”
Should this still be Constructive Deconstruction?
Am I still Constructively Deconstructing?