Constructive Deconstruction

And so the Harry Potter fever is dying…

After just such a short period of time, all things harry potter have died down which is such a relief for me. I seriously don’t understand why there was such a craze over the book. In fact, I don’t understand a lot of things surrounding the series - movie and book. Maybe it’s because i’ve neither read any of the books nor watched the movies but can someone explain to me why a fictional story could be so ‘moving’ that a counselling hotline would have to be set up?

One theory that was suggested to me was how the readership is primarily made up of kids(which somehow doesn’t strike me as entirely accurate) and that someone like Harry seems to strike a chord with that age group…and add that to the fact that kids are more emotional, it’s easy for something like that to convert peaceful fun-loving kids into little walking weapons of mass hysteria.

Anyway, this is pretty much a ranty post that I needed to write about before diving back into my coffee…I just had to get it off my chest.

Bleagh.

(Singapore Trivia: Did you know that Harry is LKY’s english name?)

Emotional. No lust. No excitement.

the title was something from Happy Endings: Asian Boys(it’s not exactly like that ) and it reflects how I feel somehow.

Today must be one of those really great days for me. Maybe it’s meant to keep me going for the next couple of weeks or months. I don’t know. But it’s good =) yay!

I spent the evening having dinner with Jas and before catching Asian Boys with her at the Drama Centre. A combination of really great company and really great show is something that left me literally speechless. I must have walked out of the theatre and just kept really quiet for like 5 entire minutes or something. I honestly just wanted to sit down and maybe look at her and just “fwah”.

It’s been a long time since i had the chance to think about more than just business models, future plans, schedules, subject registration and the likes. The show, while it touched on gay related issues, also brought up the issues on love. Fundamentally, when it comes to love, someone who is gay goes through the same problems as all the straight guys…and more(because of the stigma).

The thoughts that ran through my head reminded me of the values that I hold and why i hold them till this day. While questions(old and new) surface because the evening, those are answer fitting only my diary and not in a public domain such as my blog…or maybe not yet.

All in all, it was a great play that’s brought up a couple of new perspectives for me to mull over. Oh, and if you’re one of those ‘typical student’ that’s wondering why I even bother going for such things(and no, it’s not just because of the company), it’s because I find plays extremely compact. The depth of emotion that runs through you could go as deep as your day to day emotion…except that what you can feel in weeks, is probably felt in minutes. It throws me high up in the air, slams me right back down to earth and suddenly humours me while i’m still in shock. It happens so quickly that i’m left with no choice but to remember my emotions, to understand that at the end of the day, that is what makes me human - that at the end of the day, we are all human…and while we try very hard to think with our heads, it’s really the heart that makes many decisions.

After the show, we managed to meet up with Ivan for supper where we just basically chilled. It was great to just be able to sit down and talk about random stuff. I realised I shouldn’t be allowed to sit facing a window because i’ll end up either scanning what’s on the other side of the window or i’ll end up looking at what’s behind me through the reflection. Sheesh. Habits. ( Yeah, I like to…look around.)

Each time I talk to either of em, i’m reminded of why I stay this path. Why I cannot quit. It’s not inspiration but more of an affirmation of things. I cannot allow us to have the same conversations when we’re 30. I cannot allow her to be talking about a crappy job trying to choose between between being broke and going on a vacation alone and getting a new machine. I cannot allow him to hope to get the promotions that will bring him better days when he can obviously be achieving so much more. I cannot allow us to think that the world will consume us, with its endless list of responsibilities and circumstances, as we grow up. It’s when we ‘grow up’ that hope is lost.

Anyway, it was a good day. Hence, Monday morning will be a good day to die. lol(that’s was just random shit). I’m gonna rush off to clear work now…need to figure out how to turn 55k into at least 550k in 3 years…lol

In the end, regardless of how sure I am of things, it only takes a girl to makes me this helpless and happy at the same time. Helplessly happy? Happily helpless? lol

A post before a haircut

I had several really good conversations with various people over the past couple of days…And today must be the best because it really caps things off perfectly…

Woke up and basically lazed around for a bit before getting a text from Jas saying that her head is killing her(coffee withdrawal symptoms perhaps?)…heh, and she was was too lazy to go out to get coffee. Oh, this was quite a revelation…she has no coffee in the house! lol

and then…i walk out of my room, head into the kitchen and lo and behold, there’s a jug of fresh black coffee in the coffee maker. Great way for me to start the day!

then…of course is a great ‘brunch’ with my parents. I like it when we have conversations over food…there’s something about a happy stomache that seems to make people happier and easier to talk to. Heh, spoke my mom’s virgin coconut oil venture and all…It’s time she gets a web presence.

Oh…you know what…I wasn’t so savvy in the past but did you know that someone in Indonesia actually wanted to GIVE my mom a palm oil plantation?….and she said no because she wasn’t sure how to run it…and i didn’t see the value that had at that point in time…geez.

Anyway, after all that, here I am, clearing my facebook(yes, i check it like i check email), checked to make sure i have no urgent mails to clear from my mailbox and soon i’ll be off to get a haircut…

I hate it when my hair get long…my head’ll feel…ermm…cluttered.

I wonder how girls survive on long hair…

I give up!!

The time was 3.30am and that was about when I decided i’d throw in the towel and head off to bed. So I lay there.

..and I continued laying there trying to sleep until it was 4.30am. It was a cycle of trying to sleep, failing and then getting frustrated which just adds to the sleeping difficulty. So here I am, fresh from a shower after I decided to give up trying to sleep.

Insomniac high~~!!!

Familiar Feeling

This feeling is so similar to what I went through last year…except that it’s happening sooner. Feels like I just want to pack up and leave. Crap. Really Really bad.

Tuesday Morning

5.50am. Have not slept. Spent a lot of time thinking about a new project that i’m working on. There’s always something exciting to take a new idea and then evolve into something that will stand out from its competition. And once you convince yourself enough to ‘know’ that you can do this…your heart starts to beat steadily, you breath gets more solid and your thoughts move with a certain stride - like it’s always looking ahead and at the same time bracing itself for some obstacle that’ll slam into it.

And this is what I like about it.

Ok…i’m not sure what I’m talking about. Hope I don’t utter rubbish later….

On Dedication

I had dinner with Janine and Sayanee today. It was sad that it was such a short meetup. Sometimes I wish I had spent more time in the past getting to know these people. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t been too busy trying to do what’s right and instead spent my time doing what felt good, like spending countless hours in the company of friends.

But there is only a small place for regret…anything more and it would prove to be detrimental to progress. If it serves anything, it serves merely as a reminder to our present and future….

Other than the fact that Janine still reminds me of Izzy from Grey’s, her story of how she spent an entire 20 week semester living only by eating, sleeping and studying is something i’m in awe of. It takes dedication to pull off something like that.

…Naturally I compare myself to that scenario and ask myself if I could do that for myself. With a horrible grade point average, I really must spend more time on my academic requirements. And then I ask myself…are my priorities wrong? Why am I spending so much time growing my company and starting more? To the former question, I always come to the same answer, “No. My priorities are right.” And as to why…I already know why.

It’s about who I am and what I stand for. It’s about a passion that runs so deep that if I had her level of dedication, it’s all spent trying my utmost best to achieve those dreams that i hold. On some odd level, it’s not even a dream. It’s like a calling. It’s like the weight of the entire world rests on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. A responsibility to realise that vision simply because few men in the world would undertake this task…and fewer still would be able to realise it.

yet, partially, I am held back. I fear that my successes would come too late. Too late for the people I care about to savour. I fear that they may pass on without their basic hopes for me realised. They have given me so much to make me who I am. Given so much more to allow me who I will be.

I am trying to juggle two worlds - One where I have no experience holding, and another where I simply have no heart to hold. But this is my life I suppose, and I give myself only one option - To learn to handle them.

I will stumble here and there. Some decisions may not make sense to others. But I will pick up the pieces. And I must stand confident with myself. I cannot sway in the face of adversity. I will not sway.

And in due course, things will be set right.

A sense of detachment

The more I mix around with people, the more detached I feel. It’s not a feeling of inferiority…it’s like…my heart sinks and goes, “We’re different”.

It’s like a combat dwarf talking to a elven ranger with the former having a primary skill of hacking and slashing versus the latter whose expertise is in long range archery. No one is better than the other…they’re just…different.

How do I cope other than to tell myself that failure is not an option?

It’s dumb that I ask that because I already have the answer in mind.
It rings clearly.
and repeatedly.

I cope by pushing on. One step at a time. Left foot. Right foot. Don’t stop.
Don’t quit.

It’ll be worth it…2 more years…and your big picture will reveal itself.

12th December 2001

Once in a while, I think it’s nice to show people my past…a more private and perhaps more childish past….the little things that make me who I am…

Dear Tome,
Nothing much really happened today. I think its mainly because I woke up at 3pm in the afternoon afterwhich I mainly killed time by playing computer games till it was time to break my fast.Something happened after breaking my fast. I tried to tell my parents that I was prepared to cancel my participation in CouncilMania this coming Friday. My father asked me why and I didn’t really know how to answer him. I wanted to say that I wanted to spend time at home with the family but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. Maybe I was afraid of their reaction to the whole thing. Anyway, after the CouncilMania thing, I brought up tomorrow’s meeting with the And. Sec. Councillors. It was then that my mother brought up how I was wasting my time with them. I tried to explain that everyone has different priorities. I guess I failed because at some point she said, “…sampai lupakan keluarga…” (which means ‘forget the family’ in Malay). It was here that I felt very hurt because I have made so many decision that put my family at the top of the priority ladder and to hear her say that just made me…urgh! The good thing was that my father said something that showed that he understood my position. That was the first time!

Anyhow, I went to take a nap just to calm down and when I woke up, my father was standing right there saying that I could go for CouncilMania so long as I helped out my mother. I guess it was his way of saying he understood. Thanks Pa!

Like I said, nothing much happened. My computer is really beginning to bug me because it just hangs too often. Now I’m contemplating switching to Windows 2000 so I’ve backed up all my material and come up with a list of softwares. I think I’ll get to work tomorrow(later actually). Until then, I think I need to get some sleep.

Good night Tome!

Yours faithfully,
Ridzuan Ashim
4.41am

Mid Day Rant

I was thinking about how the way my blogging has changed through my participation in some article directories and aggregators(such as ping.sg)…

When I first started submitting articles to those directories it forced me to write only on topics that were global…things that were of substance and would be worth reading to the general population. Of course that got kind of heavy and after a while, it sort of made me tired and when you mix that with a blogger’s laziness…bleagh. Writing on non-consequential stuff was such a draw.

And that’s where ping.sg comes in. It’s light. Although good article still get a decent read, it’s mainly the jokes and the sex that gets the biggest draw(Anything with ‘ping.sg’ in the title get’s that too). That said, it’s given me the perfect excuse to keep writing like that. Subconsciously, there’s this need to please. This want to be in the Top 10 without really trying too hard….that is, of course, a formula for failure because the best ones are really the ones that are naturally written without trying too hard.

I think i’m trying too hard to find inspiration. It’s like telling myself to “not think of a green elephant.”

Maybe it’s time to go on hiatus.