Constructive Deconstruction

A sense of detachment

The more I mix around with people, the more detached I feel. It’s not a feeling of inferiority…it’s like…my heart sinks and goes, “We’re different”.

It’s like a combat dwarf talking to a elven ranger with the former having a primary skill of hacking and slashing versus the latter whose expertise is in long range archery. No one is better than the other…they’re just…different.

How do I cope other than to tell myself that failure is not an option?

It’s dumb that I ask that because I already have the answer in mind.
It rings clearly.
and repeatedly.

I cope by pushing on. One step at a time. Left foot. Right foot. Don’t stop.
Don’t quit.

It’ll be worth it…2 more years…and your big picture will reveal itself.

12th December 2001

Once in a while, I think it’s nice to show people my past…a more private and perhaps more childish past….the little things that make me who I am…

Dear Tome,
Nothing much really happened today. I think its mainly because I woke up at 3pm in the afternoon afterwhich I mainly killed time by playing computer games till it was time to break my fast.Something happened after breaking my fast. I tried to tell my parents that I was prepared to cancel my participation in CouncilMania this coming Friday. My father asked me why and I didn’t really know how to answer him. I wanted to say that I wanted to spend time at home with the family but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. Maybe I was afraid of their reaction to the whole thing. Anyway, after the CouncilMania thing, I brought up tomorrow’s meeting with the And. Sec. Councillors. It was then that my mother brought up how I was wasting my time with them. I tried to explain that everyone has different priorities. I guess I failed because at some point she said, “…sampai lupakan keluarga…” (which means ‘forget the family’ in Malay). It was here that I felt very hurt because I have made so many decision that put my family at the top of the priority ladder and to hear her say that just made me…urgh! The good thing was that my father said something that showed that he understood my position. That was the first time!

Anyhow, I went to take a nap just to calm down and when I woke up, my father was standing right there saying that I could go for CouncilMania so long as I helped out my mother. I guess it was his way of saying he understood. Thanks Pa!

Like I said, nothing much happened. My computer is really beginning to bug me because it just hangs too often. Now I’m contemplating switching to Windows 2000 so I’ve backed up all my material and come up with a list of softwares. I think I’ll get to work tomorrow(later actually). Until then, I think I need to get some sleep.

Good night Tome!

Yours faithfully,
Ridzuan Ashim
4.41am

Mid Day Rant

I was thinking about how the way my blogging has changed through my participation in some article directories and aggregators(such as ping.sg)…

When I first started submitting articles to those directories it forced me to write only on topics that were global…things that were of substance and would be worth reading to the general population. Of course that got kind of heavy and after a while, it sort of made me tired and when you mix that with a blogger’s laziness…bleagh. Writing on non-consequential stuff was such a draw.

And that’s where ping.sg comes in. It’s light. Although good article still get a decent read, it’s mainly the jokes and the sex that gets the biggest draw(Anything with ‘ping.sg’ in the title get’s that too). That said, it’s given me the perfect excuse to keep writing like that. Subconsciously, there’s this need to please. This want to be in the Top 10 without really trying too hard….that is, of course, a formula for failure because the best ones are really the ones that are naturally written without trying too hard.

I think i’m trying too hard to find inspiration. It’s like telling myself to “not think of a green elephant.”

Maybe it’s time to go on hiatus.