Constructive Deconstruction

On Dedication

July 18, 2007 on 3:11 am | In Reflections | No Comments

I had dinner with Janine and Sayanee today. It was sad that it was such a short meetup. Sometimes I wish I had spent more time in the past getting to know these people. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t been too busy trying to do what’s right and instead spent my time doing what felt good, like spending countless hours in the company of friends.

But there is only a small place for regret…anything more and it would prove to be detrimental to progress. If it serves anything, it serves merely as a reminder to our present and future….

Other than the fact that Janine still reminds me of Izzy from Grey’s, her story of how she spent an entire 20 week semester living only by eating, sleeping and studying is something i’m in awe of. It takes dedication to pull off something like that.

…Naturally I compare myself to that scenario and ask myself if I could do that for myself. With a horrible grade point average, I really must spend more time on my academic requirements. And then I ask myself…are my priorities wrong? Why am I spending so much time growing my company and starting more? To the former question, I always come to the same answer, “No. My priorities are right.” And as to why…I already know why.

It’s about who I am and what I stand for. It’s about a passion that runs so deep that if I had her level of dedication, it’s all spent trying my utmost best to achieve those dreams that i hold. On some odd level, it’s not even a dream. It’s like a calling. It’s like the weight of the entire world rests on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. A responsibility to realise that vision simply because few men in the world would undertake this task…and fewer still would be able to realise it.

yet, partially, I am held back. I fear that my successes would come too late. Too late for the people I care about to savour. I fear that they may pass on without their basic hopes for me realised. They have given me so much to make me who I am. Given so much more to allow me who I will be.

I am trying to juggle two worlds - One where I have no experience holding, and another where I simply have no heart to hold. But this is my life I suppose, and I give myself only one option - To learn to handle them.

I will stumble here and there. Some decisions may not make sense to others. But I will pick up the pieces. And I must stand confident with myself. I cannot sway in the face of adversity. I will not sway.

And in due course, things will be set right.